INTRODUCTION

You hold in your hands one of the Great Books of our century fnord.
Some Great Books are recognized at once with a fusilade of
critical huzzahs and gonfolons, like Joyce's _Ulysses._ Others appear
almost furtively and are only discovered 50 years later, like _Moby
Dick_ or Mendel's great essay on genetics. The _Principia Discordia_
entered our space-time continuum almost as unobtrusively as a cat-
burglar creeping over a windowsill.
In 1968, virtually nobody had heard of this wonderful book. In
1970, hundreds of people from coast to coast were talking about it and
asking the identity of its mysterious author, Malaclypse the Younger.
Rumors swept across the continent, from New York to Los Angeles, from
Seattle to St. Joe. Malaclypse was actually Alan Watts, one heard.
No, said another legend -- the _Principia_ was actually the work of
the Sufi Order. A third, very intriguing myth held that Malaclypse
was a pen-name for Richard M. Nixon, who had allegedly composed the
_Principia_ during a few moments of lucidity. I enjoyed each of these
yarns and did my part to help spread them. I was also careful never
to contradict the occasional rumors that I had actually written the
whole thing myself during an acid trip.
The legendry, the mystery, the cult grew slowly. By the mid-
1970's, thousands of people, some as far off as Hong Kong and
Australia, were talking about the _Principia,_ and since the original
was out of print by then, xerox copies were beginning to circulate
here and there.
When the _Illuminatus!_ trilogy appeared in 1975, my co-author,
Bob Shea, and I both received hundreds of letters from people
intrigued by the quotes from the _Principia_ with which we had
decorated the heads of several chapters. Many, who had already heard
of the _Principia_ or seen copies, asked if Shea and I had written it,

or if we had copies available. Others wrote to ask if it were real,
or just something we had invented the way H.P. Lovecraft invented the
_Necronomicon._ We answered according to our moods, sometimes telling
the truth, sometimes spreading the most Godawful lies and myths we
could devise fnord.

Why not? We felt that this book was a true Classic (_literatus
immortalis_) and, since the alleged intelligentsia had not yet
discovered it, the best way to keep its legend alive was to encourage
the mythology and the controversy about it. Increasingly, people
wrote to ask me if Timothy Leary had written it, and I almost always
told them he had, except on Fridays when I am more whimsical, in which
case I told them it had been transmitted by a canine intelligence --
vast, cool, and unsympathetic -- from the Dog star, Sirius.
Now, at last, the truth can be told.
Actually, the _Principia_ is the work of a time-travelling
anthropologist from the 23rd century. He is currently passing among
us as a computer specialist, bon vivant and philosopher named Gregory
Hill. He has also translated several volumes of Etruscan erotic
poetry, under another pen-name, and in the 18th century was the
mysterious Man in Black who gave Jefferson the design for the Great
Seal of the United States.
I have it on good authority that he is one of the most
accomplished time-travellers in the galaxy and has visited Earth many
times in the past, using such cover-identities as Zeno of Elias,
Emperor Norton, Count Galiostro, Guilliame of Aquaitaine, etc.
Whenever I question him about this, he grows very evasive and attempts
to persuade me that he is actually just another 20th century Earthman
and that all my ideas about his extraterrestrial and extratemporal
origin are delusions. Hah! I am not that easily deceived. After
all, a time-travelling anthropologist would say just that, so that he
could observe us without his presence causing culture-shock.
I understand that he has consented to write an Afterward to this
edition. He'll probably contradict everything I've told you, but
don't believe a word he says fnord. He is a master of the deadpan
put-on, the plausible satire, the philosophical leg-pull and all
branches of guerilla ontology.
For full benefit to the Head, this book should be read in
conjunction with _The Illuminoids_ by Neal Wilgus (Sun Press,
Albuquerque, New Mexico) and _Zen Without Zen Masters_ by Camden
Benares (And/Or Press, Berkeley, California). "We are operating on
many levels here," as Ken Kesey used to say.
In conclusion, there is no conclusion. Things will go on as they
always have, getting weirder all the time.
Hail Eris. All hail Discordia. Fnord?

-- Robert Anton Wilson
International Arms and Hashish, Inc.
Darra Bazar, Kohat

Some excerpts from an interview with Malaclypse the Younger by _The
Greater Metropolitan Yorba Linda Herald-News-Tribune-Journal-Dispatch-
Post and San Francisco Discordian Society Cabal Bulletin and
Intergalactic Report and Pope Poop_

GREATER POOP: Are you really serious or what?
MAL-2: Sometimes I take humor seriously. Sometimes I take
seriousness humorously. Either way it is irrelevant.

GP: Maybe you are just crazy.
M2: Indeed! But do not reject these teachings as false because I am
crazy. The reason that I am crazy is because they are true.

GP: Is Eris true?
M2: Everything is true.
GP: Even false things?
M2: Even false things are true.
GP: How can that be?
M2: I don't know, man, I didn't do it.

GP: Is there an essential meaning behind POEE?
M2: There is a Zen story about a student who asked a Master to
explain the meaning of Buddhism. The Master's reply was, "three
pounds of flax."
GP: Is that your answer to my question?
M2: No, of course not. That is just illustrative. The answer to
your question is FIVE TONS OF FLAX!

POEE
is one manifestation of
THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY
about which
you will learn more
and understand
less

We
are a tribe
of philosophers, theologians,
magicians, scientists,
artists, clowns,

and similar maniacs
who are intruiged
with
ERIS
GODDESS OF CONFUSION
and with
Her
Doings

Official
DISCORDIAN SOCIETY
(Hail Eris)

I tell you: One must

T H E S A C R E D

[Illustration: a traditional Chinese yin-yang symbol
with a pentagon in one cusp and The Golden Apple in the other,
an apple with "Kallisti" in Greek]

a burning scroll]

A ZEN STORY

by Camden Benares, The Count Five Headmaster, Camp Meeker Cabal

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid-20th century America
confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within
himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.
One
night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go
to the dilapidated mansion you will find at this address which I have
written down for you. Do not speak to those who live there; you must
remain silent until the moon rises the tomorrow night. Go to the
large room on the right of the main hallway, sit in the lotus position
on top of the rubble in the northeast corner, face the corner, and
meditate."
He did as the Zen Master instructed. His meditation was
frequently interrupted by worries. He worried whether or not the rest
of the plumbing fixtures would fall from the second floor bathroom to
join the pipes and other trash he was sitting on. He worried how
would he know when the moon rose on the next night. He worried about
what the people who walked through the room said about him.
His
worrying and meditation were disturbed when, as if in a test of his
faith, ordure fell from the second floor onto him. At that time two
people walked into the room. The first asked the second who the man
sitting there was. The second replied, "Some say he is a holy man.
Others say he is a shithead."
Hearing this, the man was enlightened.

FOR DEPOSIT ONLY

The two were dazed and neither moved nor spoke for several
minutes. They looked around and saw that the bowlers were frozen like
statues in a variety of comic positions, and that a bowling ball was
steadfastly anchored to the floor only inches from the pins that it
had been sent to scatter. The two looked at each other, totally
unable to account for the phenomenon. The condition was one of
suspension, and one noticed that the clock had stopped.

no girdle ever cured a pregnancy

THERE WALKED INTO THE ROOM A CHIMPANZEE, SHAGGY AND GREY ABOUT THE
MUZZLE, YET UPRIGHT TO HIS FULL FIVE FEET, AND POISED WITH NATURAL
MAJESTY. HE CARRIED A SCROLL AND WALKED TO THE YOUNG MEN.

"GENTLEMEN," HE SAID, "WHY DOES PICKERING'S MOON GO ABOUT IN
REVERSE ORBIT? GENTLEMEN, THERE ARE NIPPLES ON YOUR CHESTS; DO YOU
GIVE MILK? AND WHAT, PRAY TELL, GENTLEMEN, IS TO BE DONE ABOUT
HEISENBERG'S LAW?" HE PAUSED. "_SOMEBODY HAD TO PUT ALL OF THIS
CONFUSION HERE!_"

AND WITH THAT HE REVEALED HIS SCROLL. IT WAS A DIAGRAM, LIKE A
YIN-YANG WITH A PENTAGON ON ONE SIDE AND AN APPLE ON THE OTHER. AND
THEN HE EXPLODED AND THE TWO LOST CONSCIOUSNESS.

THE BIRTH OF THE ERISIAN MOVEMENT:
ERIS -- GODDESS OF CHAOS, DISCORD, & CONFUSION

They awoke to find the sound of pins clattering, and found the bowlers
engaged in their game and the waitress busy with making coffee. It
was apparent that their experience had been private.

They discussed their strange encounter and reconstructed from
memory the chimpanzee's diagram. Over the next five days they
searched libraries to find the significance of it, but were
disappointed to uncover only references to Taoism, the Korean flag,
and Technocracy. It was not until they traced the Greek writing on
the apple that they discovered the ancient Goddess known to the Greeks
as ERIS and to the Romans as DISCORDIA. This was on the fifth night,
and when they slept that night each had a vivid dream of a splendid
woman whose eyes were as soft as feather and as deep as eternity
itself, and whose body was the spectacular dance of atoms and
universes. Pyrotechnics of pure energy formed her flowing hair, and
rainbows manifested and dissolved as she spoke in a warm and gentle
voice:

I have come to tell you that you are free. Many ages ago, My
consciousness left man, that he might develop himself. I return
to find this development approaching completion, but hindered by
fear and by misunderstanding.
You have built for yourselves psychic suits of armor, and

Persons in a Position to Know, Inc.

ON PRAYER

Mal-2 was once asked by one of his Disciples if he often prayed to
Eris. He replied with these words:

No, we Erisians seldom pray, it is much too dangerous. Charles Fort
has listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with,
say, a drought, and then praying fervently -- and then getting the
entire village wiped out by a torrential flood.

The Classical Greeks
were not influenced
by the Classical Greeks

WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT ERIS (not much)

The Romans left a likeness of Her for posterity -- She was shown as a
grotesque woman with a pale and ghastly look, Her eyes afire, Her
garment ripped and torn, and as concealing a dagger in Her Bosom.
Actually, most women look pale and ghastly when concealing a chilly
dagger in their bosoms.

Her geneology is from the Greeks and is utterly confused. Either
She was the twin of Ares and the daughter of Zeus and Hera; or She was
the daughter of Nyx, goddess of night (who was either the daughter or
wife of Chaos, or both), and Nyx's brother, Erebus, and whose brothers
and sisters included Death, Doom, Mockery, Misery, and Friendship.
And that She begat Forgetfulness, Quarrels, Lies, and a bunch of gods
and goddesses like that.

One day Mal-2 consulted his pineal gland* and asked Eris if She
really created all of those terrible things. She told him that She
had always liked the Old Greeks, but that they cannot be trusted with
historic matters. "They were," She added, "victims of indigestion,
you know."

Suffice it to say that Eris is not hateful or malicious. But She
is mischievous, and does get a little bitchy at times.

----------
* THE PINEAL GLAND is where each and every one of us can talk to Eris.
If you have trouble activating your pineal, then try the appendix
which does almost as well. Reference: DOGMA I, METAPHYSICS #3, "The
Indoctrine of the Pineal Gland."

DIRUIT AEDIFICAT MUTAT GUADRATA ROTUNDUS
-- Horace

THE LAW OF FIVES

The Law of Fives is one of the oldest Erisian Mysterees. It was first
revealed to Good Lord Omar and is one of the great contributions to
come from The Hidden Temple of The Happy Jesus.

POEE subscribes to the Law of Fives of Omar's sect. And POEE also
recognizes the Holy 23 (2 + 3 = 5) that is incorporated by Episkopos
Dr. Mordecai Malignatius, K.N.S., into his Discordian sect, the
Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria.

The Law of Fives states simply that:
ALL THINGS HAPPEN IN FIVES, OR ARE DIVISIBLE BY OR ARE MULTIPLES
OF FIVE, OR ARE SOMEHOW DIRECTLY OR INDIRECTLY APPROPRIATE TO FIVE.

The Law of Fives is never wrong.

In the Erisian Archives is an old memo from Omar to Mal-2: "I
find the Law of Fives to be more and more manifest the harder I look."

Please do not use this
document as toilet tissue

THE MYTH OF THE APPLE OF DISCORD

It seems that Zeus was preparing a wedding banquet for Peleus and
Thetis and did not want to invite Eris because of Her reputation as a
trouble-maker.*

This made Eris angry, and so She fashioned a apple of pure gold**
and inscribed upon it KALLISTI, "to the prettiest one," and on the day
of the fete She rolled it into the banquet hall and then left to be
alone and joyously partake of a hot dog.

Now, three of the invited goddesses,*** Athena, Hera, and
Aphrodite, each immediately claimed it to belong to herself because of
the inscription. And they started fighting, and they started throwing
punch all over the place and everything.

Finally Zeus calmed things down and declared that an arbitrator
must be selected, which was a reasonable suggestion, and all agreed.
He sent them to a shepherd of Troy, whose name was Paris because his
mother had had a lot of gaul and had married a Frenchman; but each of
the sneaky goddesses tried to outwit the others by going early and
offering a bribe to Paris.

Athena offered him Heroic War Victories, Hera offered him Great
Wealth, and Aphrodite offered him The Most Beautiful Woman on Earth.
Being a healthy young Trojan lad, Paris promptly accepted Aphrodite's
bribe and she got the apple and he got screwed.

As she had promised, she maneuvered earthly happenings so that
Paris could have Helen (_the_ Helen) then living with her husband
Menelaus, King of Sparta. Anyway, everyone knows that the Trojan War
followed when Sparta demanded their queen back and that the Trojan War
is said to be the First War Among Men.

And so we suffer because of The Original Snub. And so a
Discordian is to partake of No Hot Dog Buns.

Do you believe that?

----------
* This is called THE DOCTRINE OF THE ORIGINAL SNUB.

** There is historic disagreement concerning whether this apple was of
metallic gold or Acapulco.

*** Actually there were five goddesses, but the Greeks did not know of
the Law of Fives.

EXCLUSIVE:

THE FIVE FINGERED HAND OF ERIS

The official symbol of POEE is here illustrated. It may be this, or
any similar device to represent TWO OPPOSING ARROWS CONVERGING INTO A
COMMON POINT. It may be vertical, horizontal, or else such, and it
may be elaborated or simplified as desired.

The esoteric name for this symbol is THE FIVE FINGERED HAND OF
ERIS, commonly shortened to THE HAND.

_
NOTE: In the lore of western magic, the /
\_ is taken to symbolize
horns, especially the horns of Satan or of diabolical beasties. The
Five Fingered Hand of Eris, however, is not intended to be taken as
satanic, for the "horns" are supported by another set of inverted
"horns." Or maybe it is walrus tusks. I don't know what it is, to
tell the truth.

POEE

POEE (pronounced "POEE") is an acronym for THE PARATHEO-
ANAMETAMYSTIKHOOD OF ERIS ESOTERIC. The first part can be taken to
mean "equivalent deity, reversing beyond-mystique." We are not really
esoteric, it's just that nobody pays much attention to us.

MY HIGH REVERENCE MALACLYPSE THE YOUNGER, A.B., D.D., K.S.C., is
the High Priest of POEE, and POEE is grounded in his episkopotic
revelations of the Goddess. He is called the Omnibenevolent
Polyfather of Virginity in Gold.

The POEE HEAD TEMPLE is the Joshua Norton Cabal of the Discordian
Society, which is located in Mal-2's pineal gland and can be found by
temporally and spacially locating the rest of Mal-2.

POEE has no treasury, no by-laws, no articles, no guides save Mal-
2's pineal gland, and has only one scruple -- which Mal-2 keeps on his
key chain.

POEE has not registered, incorporated, or otherwise chartered with
the State, and so the State does not recognize POEE or POEE
ordinations, which is only fair, because POEE does not recognize the
State.

POEE is five DEGREES:
There is the neophyte, or LEGIONNAIRE DISCIPLE.
The LEGIONNAIRE DEACON, who is catching on.
The Ordained POEE PRIEST/PRIESTESS or a CHAPLIN.
The HIGH PRIEST, the Polyfather.
And POEE =POPES=.

POEE LEGIONNAIRE DISCIPLES are authorized to initiate others as
Discordian Society Legionnaires. PRIESTS appoint their own DEACONS.
The POLYFATHER ordains Priests. I don't know about the =POPES=.

POEE & ITS PRIESTS

If you like Erisianism as it is presented according to Mal-2, then you
may wish to form your own POEE CABAL as a POEE PRIEST and you can go
do a bunch of POEE Priestly Things. A "POEE Cabal" is exactly what
you think it is.

The High Priest makes no demands on his Priests, though he does rather
expect good will of them. The Office of the Polyfather is to point,

not to teach. Once in a while, he even listens.

Should you find that your own revelations of the Goddess become
substantially different than the revelations of Mal-2, then perhaps
the Goddess has plans for you as an Episkopos, and you might consider
creating your own sect from scratch, unhindered. Episkoposes are not
competing with each other, and they are all POEE Priests anyway (as
soon as I locate them). The point is that Episkoposes are developing
separate paths to the Erisian mountain top. See the section
"Discordian Society."

CAUTION
<---------<<
INSERTS
ORDINATION AS A POEE PRIEST

There are no particular qualifications for Ordination because if you
want to be a POEE Priest then you must undoubtedlly qualify. Who
could possible know better than you whether or not you should be
Ordinaned?

An ORDINED POEE PRIEST or PRIESTESS is defined as "one who holds an
Ordination Certificate from the Office of the Polyfather."

Seek into the Chao if you wouldst be wise
And find ye delight in Her Great Surprise!
Look into the Chao if you wantest to know
What's in a Chao and why it ain't so!
HBT; The Book of Advice, 1:1

NOTE TO POEE PRIESTS

The Polyfather wishes to remind all Erisians that POEE was conceived
not as a commercial enterprise, and that you are requested to keep
your cool when seeking funds for POEE Cabals or when spreading the
POEE Word via the marketplace.

[Illustration: a man wearing a Mickey Mouse hat bursting out of a
newspaper, with the balloon, "Hey! Where's da pixs? Mumble, mumble,
pissondis...!"]

The hidden stone ripens fast,
Then laid bare like a turnip

Can easily be cut out at last
But even then the danger isn't past.
That man lives best who's fain
To live half mad, half sane.
-- Flemish Poet Jan van
Stijevoort, 1524

Glory to we children of ERIS!

Presented under the auspices of our
Lady of Discord, ERIS, by
the House of the Apostles of ERIS.
\ /

GENERAL LICENSE

HOW TO START A POEE CABAL
WITHOUT MESSING AROUND WITH THE POLYFATHER

If you cannot find the Polyfather, or having found him, don't want
anything to do with him, you are still authorized to form your own
POEE CABAL and do Priestly Things, using the _Principia Discordia_ as
a guide. Your Official Rank will be POEE CHAPLIN for THE LEGION OF
DYNAMIC DISCORD, which is exactly the same as a POEE PRIEST except
that you don't have an Ordination Certificate. The words you are now
reading are your ordination.

HOW TO BECOME A POEE CHAPLIN
1. Write the ERISIAN AFFIRMATION in five copies.
2. Sign and nose-print each copy.
3. Send one to the President of the United States.
4. Send one to
The California State Bureau of Furniture and Bedding
1021 'D' Street, Sacramento, CA 94814
5. Nail one to a telephone pole. Hide one. And burn the other.
Then consult your pineal gland.

[Illustration: a cow sitting
in a meat freezer, thinking,
"General License was Sgt.
Pepper's Commander"]

OLD POEE SLOGAN:
When in doubt, fuck it.
When not in doubt...get in doubt!

Trip FIVE

This Mystree Rite is not required for initiation, but it is offered by
many POEE Priest to proselytes who desire a formal ceremony.

The Priest and four Brothers are arranged in a pentagon with the Initiate in the center facing the Priest. If possible, the Brothers on the immediate right and left of the Priest should be Deacons. The Initiate must be totally naked, to demonstrate that he is truly a

No vocal cords

DISCARDED

[Illustration: two Golden Apples garnish the statement
THE DISCORDIAN SOCIETY]

The Discordian Society has no definition.

I sometimes think of it as a disorganization of Eris Freaks. It
has been called a guerrila mind theatre. Episkopos Randomfactor,
Director of Purges of Our People's Underworld Movement sect in
Larchmont, prefers "The World's Greatest Association of whatever-it-
is-that-we-are." Lady Mal thinks of it as a RENAISSANCE THINK TANK.

When I get to the bottom I go back to the top
of the slide where I stop and I turn and I go
for a ride, then I get to the bottom and I see
you again! Helter skelter!
-- John Lennon

[Illustration of a bearded man in a priest's robe,

making the 'V' sign with his left hand, and a
Hand of Eris pendant hangs around his neck]

THE NUMERAL V SIGN
Used by Old Roman Discordians, Illuminatus Churchill,
and innocent hippies everywhere.

HOLY NAMES

Discordians have a tradition of assuming HOLY NAMES. This is not
unique with Erisianism, of course. I suppose Pope Paul is the son of
Mr. and Mrs. VI?

And also TITLES OF MYSTICAL IMPORT.

[Illustration: a pope-looking individual with the balloon, "SO??"]

FOR YOUR
ENLIGHTENMENT

THE PARABLE OF THE BITTER TEA
Rev. Dr. Hypocrates Magoun, P.P.
POEE PRIEST, Okinawa Cabal

When Hypoc was through meditating with St. Gulik, he went there into
the kitchen where he busied himself with preparing the feast and in
his endeavor, he found that there was some old tea in a pan left
standing from the night before, when he had in his weakness forgot
about its making and had let it sit steeping for twenty-four hours.
It was dark and murky and it was Hypoc's intention to use this old tea
by diluting it with water. And again in his weakness, chose without
further consideration and plunged into the physical labor of the
preparations. It was then when deeply immersed in the pleasure of
that trip, he had a sudden loud clear voice in his head, saying, "It
is bitter tea that involves you so." Hypoc heard the voice, but the
struggle inside intensified, and the pattern, previously established
with the physical laboring and the muscle messages coordinated and
unified or perhaps coded, continued to exert their influence and Hypoc
succumbed to the pressure and he denied the voice.

And again he plunged into the physical orgy and completed the
task, and Lo, as the voice had predicted, the tea was bitter.

"The Five Laws have root in awareness."
-- Che Fung (Ezra Pound, Canto 85)

The Hell Law says that Hell is reserved
exclusively for them that believe in it. Further,
the lowest Rung in Hell is reserved for them
that believe in it on the supposition that
they'll go there if they don't.
HBT; The Gospel According to Fred, 3:1

A SERMON ON ETHICS AND LOVE

One day Mal-2 asked the messenger spirit Saint Gulik to approach the
Goddess and request Her presence for some desperate advice. Shortly
afterwards the radio came on by itself, and an ethereal female Voice
said YES?

"O! Eris! Blessed Mother of Man! Queen of Chaos! Daughter of
Discord! Concubine of Confusion! O! Exquisite Lady, I beseech You
to lift a heavy burden from my heart!"

WHAT BOTHERS YOU, MAL? YOU DON'T SOUND WELL.

"I am filled with fear and tormented with terrible visions of
pain. Everywhere people are hurting one another, the planet is
rampant with injustices, whole societies plunder groups of their own
people, mothers imprison sons, children perish while brothers war. O,
woe."

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH THAT, IF IT IS WHAT YOU WANT TO DO?

"But nobody _wants_ it! Everybody hates it."

OH. WELL, THEN STOP.

At which moment She turned Herself into an aspirin commercial and
left The Polyfather, stranded alone with his species.

CHAPTER 5: THE PIONEERS

THE FIVE APOSTLES OF ERIS & WHO THEY BE

HUNG MUNG A sage of Ancient China and Official Discordian Missionary to the Heathen Chinee. He who originally devised THE SACRED CHAO. Patron of The Season of Chaos. Holyday: 5 Jan.

DR. VAN VAN MOJO A Head Doctor of Deep Africa and Maker of Fine Dolls. D.H.V., "Doctor of Voodoo and Vexes," from The Greater Metropolitan Yorba Linda Jesus Will Save Your Bod Home Study Bible School; and F.I.H.G.W.P., "Fellow of the Intergalactic Haitian Guerillas for World Peace." Patron of The Season of Discord. Holyday: 19 Mar. Note: Erisians of The Laughing Christ sect are of the silly contention that Dr. Mojo is an imposter and that PATAMUNZO LINGANANDA is the True Second Apostle. Lord Omar claims that Mr. Mojo heaps hatred and curses on Patamunzo, who sends only Love Vibrations in return. But we have the POEE sect know that Patamunzo is the Real Imposter, and that those vibrations of his are actually an attempt to subvert Dr. Mojo's rightful apostilic authority by shaking him out of

[Illustration: a woman sitting on a stool and drawing, with a child
beneath
her. The woman is saying, "Hey, man...great! I feel goofy, the way my
old

man looks when he's drunk!"]

[Illustration: a crufix with
a smile nailed to it]

There came on day to Lord Omar, Bull Goose of Limbo, a Messenger of Our Lady who told him of a Sacred Mound wherein was buried an Honest Book.

And the Angel of Eris bade of the Lord: Go ye hence and dig the Truth, that ye may come to know it and, knowing it, spread it and, spreading it, wallow in it and, wallowing in it, lie in it and, lying in the Truth, become a Poet of the Word and a Sayer of Sayings - an Inspiration to all men and a Scribe to the Gods.

So Omar went forth to the Sacred Mound, which was to the East of Nullah, and thereupon he worked digging in the sand for five days and five nights, but found no Book.

At the end of five days and five nights of digging, it came to pass that Omar was exhausted. So he put his shovel to one side and bedded himself down on the sand, using as a pillow a Golden Chest he had uncovered on the first day of his labors.

Omar slept.

On the fifth day of his sleeping, Lord Omar fell into a Trance, and there came to him in the Trance a Dream, and there came to him in the Dream a Messenger of Our Lady who told him of a Sacred Grove wherein was hidden a Golden Chest.

And the Angel of Eris bade to the Lord: Go ye hence and lift the Stash, that ye may come to own it and, owning it, share it and, sharing it, love in it and, loving in it, dwell in it and, dwelling in the Stash, become a Poet of the Word and a Sayer of Sayings - an Inspiration to all men and a Scribe to the Gods.

But Omar lamented, saying unto the Angel: What is this shit, man? What care I for the Word and Sayings? What care I for the Inspiration of all men? Wherein does it profit a man to be a Scribe to the Gods when the Scribes of the Governments do nothing, yet are paid better wages?

And, lo, the Angel waxed in anger and Omar was stricken to the Ground by an Invisible Hand and did not arise for five days and five nights.

And it came to pass that on the fifth night he dreamt, and in his Dream he had a Vision, and in this Vision there came unto him a Messenger of Our Lady who entrusted to him a Rigoletto cigar box containing many filing cards, some of the in packs with rubber bands around, and upon these cards were sometimes written verses, while upon others nothing was written.

Thereupon the Angel Commanded the Lord: Take ye this Honest Book of Truth to thine bosom and cherish it. Carry it forth to The Land and lay it before Kings of Nations and Collectors of Garbage. Preach from it unto the Righteous, that they may renounce their ways and repent.

GREYFACE

In the year 1166 B.C., a malcontented hunchbrain by the name of
Greyface, got it into his head that the universe was as humorless as
he, and he began to teach that play was sinful because it contradicted
the ways of Serious Order. "Look at all the order about you," he
said. And from that, he deluded honest men to believe that reality
was a strait jacket affair and not the happy romance as men had known
it.

It is not presently understood why men were so gullible at that
particular time, for absolutely no one thought to observe all the
_disorder_ around them and conclude just the opposite. But anyway,
Greyface and his followers took the game of playing at life more
seriously than they took life itself and were known even to destroy
other living beings whose ways of life differed from their own.

The unfortunate result of this is that mankind has since been
suffering from a psychological and spiritual imbalance. Imbalance
causes frustration, and frustration causes fear. And fear makes a bad
trip. Man has been on a bad trip for a long time now.

It is called THE CURSE OF GREYFACE.

Bullshit makes
the flowers grow
& that's beautiful.

Before the beginning was the Nonexistent Chao, balanced in Oblivion by the Perfect Counterpushpull of the Hodge and the Podge.

Whereupon, by an Act of Happenstance, the Hodge began gradually to overpower the Podge - and the Primal Chaos thereby came to be.

So in the beginning was the Primal Chaos, balanced on the Edge of Oblivion by the Perfect Counterpushpull of the Podge and the Hodge.

Whereupon, by the Law of Negative Reversal,** the Podge swiftly underpowered the Hodge and Everything broke loose.

And therein emerged the Active Force of Discord, the Subtle Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao, to guide Everything along the Path back to Oblivion - that it might not become lost among Precepts of Order to the Region of Thud.

Forasmuch as it was Active, the Force of Discord entered the State of Confusion, wherein It copulated with the Queen and begat ERIS, Our Lady of Discord and Gross Manifestation of the Nonexistent Chao.

And under Eris Confusion became established, and was hence called Bureaucracy; while over Bureaucracy Eris became established, and was hence called Discordia.

By the by it came to pass that the Establishment of

Bureaucracy perished in a paper shortage.
9. Thus it was, in accord with the Law of Laws.
[A hand points
to the next page]
10. During and after the Fall of the Establishment of Bureaucracy
was the Aftermath, an Age of Disorder in which calculation,
computations, and reckonings were put away by the Children of Eris in
Acceptance and Preparation for Return to Oblivion to be followed by a
Repetition of the Universal Absurdity. Moreover, of Itself the Coming
of Aftermath waseth a Resurrection of the Freedom-flowing Chaos. HAIL
ERIS!
11. Herein was set into motion the Eristic Pattern, which would
Repeat Itself Five Times Over Seventy-three Times, after which nothing
would happen.

----------
* This doctrine should not be confused with DOGMA III -- HISTORY #6,
"HISTORIC CYCLES," which states that social progress occurs in five
cycles, the first three ("The Tricycle") of which are THESIS,
ANTITHESIS and PARENTHESIS; and the last two ("The Bicycle") of which
are CONSTERNATION and MORAL WARPTITUDE.

** The LAW OF NEGATIVE REVERSAL states that if something does -not-
happen then the exact opposite _will_ happen, only in exactly the
opposite manner from that in which it did not happen.

NOTE: It is from this text from The Book of Uterus, that POEE has
based its Erisian Calendar with the year divided into 6 Seasons of 73
days each. Each of the Five Apostles of Eris has patronage over one
Season.

DULL BUT SINCERE FILLER

"And behold, thusly was the Law formulated:
IMPOSITION OF ORDER = ESCALATION OF DISORDER!"
HBT; The Gospel According to Fred, 1:6

THE FIVE ORDERS OF DISCORDIA ("THEM")
Gen. Pandaemonium, commanding

The seeds of the ORDERS OF DISCORDIA were planted by Greyface into his
early disciples. They form the skeleton of the Aneristic Movement,
which over-emphasizes the Principle of Order and is antagonistic to
the necessary compliment, the Principle of Disorder. The Orders are
composed of persons all hung up on authority, security, and control;
i.e., they are blinded by the Aneristic Illusion. They do not know
that they belong to the Orders of Discordia. But _we_ know.

THE MILITARY ORDER OF THE KNIGHTS OF THE FIVE-SIDED TEMPLE. This is for all of the soldiers and bureaucrats of the world.

THE FOLLOWING IS QUOTED FROM BERGAN EVANS
ON NORBERT WEINER, NUCLEAR PHYSICIST

The second concept Wiener has to establish is that of entropy.
Probability is a mathematical concept, coming from statistics.
Entropy comes from physics. It is the assertion -- established
logicallly and experimentally -- that the universe, by its nature, is
"running down," moving toward a state of inert uniformity devoid of
form, matter, hierarchy or differentiation.

That is, in any given situation, less organization, more chaos, is
overwhelmingly more probable than tighter organization or more order.

The tendency for entropy to increase in isolated systems is
expressed in the second law of thermodynamics -- perhaps the most
pessimistic and amoral formulation in all human thought.

It applies, however, to a closed system, to something that is an
isolated whole, not just a part. Within such systems there may be
parts, which draw their energy from the whole, that are moving, at
least temporarily, in the opposite direction; in them order is
increasing and chaos is diminishing.

The whirlpools that swirl in a direction opposed to the main
current are called "enclaves." And one of them is life, especially
human life, which in a universe moving inexorably towards chaos moves

THE SACRED CHAO
MUST
THE SACRED CHAO (pronounced "the sacred cow") is the key to
illumination. Devised by the Apostle Hung Mung in ancient China, it
was modified and popularized by the Taoists and is sometimes called
the YIN-YANG. The Sacred Chao is not the yin-yang of the Taoists. It
is the HODGE-PODGE of the Erisians. And, instead of a Podge spot on
the Hodge side, it has a PENTAGON which symbolizes the ANERISTIC
PRINCIPLE, and instead of a Hodge spot on the Podge side, it depicts
the GOLDEN APPLE OF DISCORDIA to symbolize the ERISTIC PRINCIPLE.

The Sacred Chao symbolizes absolutely everything anyone need every
know about absolutely anything, and more! It even symbolizes
everything not worth knowing, depicted by the empty space surrounding
the Hodge-Podge.

HERE FOLLOWS SOME PSYCHO-METAPHYSICS.
If you are not hot for philosophy, best just skip it.

The Aneristic Principle is that of APPARENT ORDER; the Eristic
Principle is that of APPARENT DISORDER. Both order and disorder are
man-made *concepts* and are artificial divisions of PURE CHAOS, which
is a level deeper than is the level of distinction-making.

With our concept-making apparatus called *mind* we look at reality
through the ideas-about-reality which our cultures give us. The
ideas-about-reality are mistakenly labeled "reality" and unenlightened
people are forever perplexed by the fact that other people, especially
other cultures, see "reality" differently. It is only the ideas-
about-reality which differ. Real (capital-T True) reality is a level
deeper than is the level of concept.

We look at the world through windows on which have been drawn
grids (*concepts*). Different philosophies use different grids. A
culture is a group of people with rather similar grids. Through a
window we view chaos, and relate it to the points on our grid, and
thereby understand it. The ORDER is in the GRID. That is the
Aneristic Principle.

[Illustration: a menagerie of Sacred Chaos overlap each other, as
if to approach the reader]

Western philosophy is traditionally concerned with contrasting one
grid with another grid, and amending grids in hopes of finding a
perfect one that will account for all reality and will, hence, (say
unenlightened Westerners) be True. This is illusory; it is what we
Erisians call the ANERISTIC ILLUSION. Some grids can be more useful
than others, some more beautiful than others, some more pleasant than
others, etc., but none can be more True than any other.

DISORDER is simply unrelated information viewed through some
particular grid. But, like "relation," no-relation is a concept.
Male, like female, is an idea about sex. To say that maleness is
"abscence of femaleness," or vice versa, is a matter of definition and

[Illustration: The Hodge/Podge Transformer. There are two plates set
vertically on the left and right; the left plate is labeled
"ANERISTIC," and the right plate is labeled "ERISTIC." Hermes-like
wings point to each plate. Connecting the two plates are a myriad
tubes, and in the direct center is the legend, "FIFTH DIMENSIONAL
CHAOS MATRIX." Attached to the intervening tubes are various
artifacts: a balloon reading "Hot Air" tied to a bend; a weight
attached to another bend labeled "5 Tons Flax"; the Golden Apple of
Discordia rests on a platform in the mess, and a pentagon hangs from
another bend, with the legend "Tilt."]

28 DAY RECORDING

Hung Mung slapped his buttocks, hopped about, and shook his head, saying, "I do not know! I do not know!" HBT; The Book of Gooks, Chap. 1

BRUNSWICK SHRINE

In the Los Angeles suburb of Whittier there lives a bowling alley, and
within this very place, in the Year of Our Lady of Discord 3125
(1959*), Eris revealed Herself to The Golden Apple Corps for the first
time.

In honor of this Incredible Event, this Holy Place is revered as a
Shrine by all Erisians. Once every five years, the Golden Apple Corps
plans a Pilgrimage to Brunswick Shrine as an act of Devotion, and
therein to partake of No Hot Dog Buns, and ruminate a bit about It
All.

It is written that when The Corps returns to The Shrine for the
fifth time five times over, then shall the world come to an end:

And Five Days Prior to This Occasion The Apostle The Elder
Malaclypse Shall Walk the Streets of Whittier Bearing a Sign for
All Literates to Read Thereof: "DOOM," as a Warning of
Forthcoming Doom to All Men Impending. And He Shall Signal This
Event by Seeking the Poor and Distributing to Them Precious MAO
BUTTONS and Whittier Shall be Known as The Region of Thud for

was dots.

Never write in pencil unless you are on a train or sick in bed.

Safeguard this letter: it may be an IMPORTANT DOCUMENT!
Form No. O.D.D. IIb/ii.1-37D.VVM:3134
----------------------------------------------------------------------

In the beginning there was VOID, who had two daughters; one (the
smaller) was that of BEING, named ERIS, and one (the larger) was of
NON-BEING, named ANERIS. (To this day, the fundamental truth that
Aneris is the larger is apparent to all who compare the great number
of things that do not exist with the comparatively small number of
things that do exist.)

Eris had been born pregnant, and after 55 years (Goddesses have an
unusually long gestation period - longer even than elephants), Her
pregnancy bore the fruits of many things. These things were composed
of the Five Basic Elements, SWEET, BOOM, PUNGENT, PRICKLE AND ORANGE.
Aneris, however, had been created sterile. When she saw Eris enjoying
Herself so greatly with all of the existent things She had borne,
Aneris became jealous and finally one day she stole some existent
things and changed them into non-existent things and claimed them as
her own children. This deeply hurt Eris, who felt that Her sister was
unjust (being so much larger anyway) to deny Her her small joy. And
so She made Herself swell again to bear more things. And She swore
that no matter how many of her begotten that Aneris would steal, She
would beget more. And, in return, Aneris swore that no matter how
many existent things Eris brought forth, she would eventually find
them and turn them into non-existent things for her own. (And to this
day, things appear and disappear in this very manner.)

At first, the things brought forth by Eris were in a state of
chaos and went in every which way, but by the by She began playing
with them and ordered some of them just to see what would happen.
Some pretty things arose from this play and for the next five zillion
years She amused Herself by creating order. And so She grouped some
things with others and some groups with others, and big groups with
little groups, and all combinations until She had many grand schemes
which delighted Her.

Engrossed in establishing order, She finally one day noticed
disorder (previously not apparent because everything was chaos).
There were many ways in which chaos was ordered and many ways in which
it was not.

"Hah," she thought, "Here shall be a new game."

And She taught order and disorder to play with each other in

contest games, and take turns amusing each other. She named the side
of disorder after herself, "ERISTIC," because being is anarchic. And
then, in a mood of sympathy for Her lonely sister, She named the
other side "ANERISTIC" which flattered Aneris and smoothed the
friction a little that was between them.

Now all of this time, Void was somewhat disturbed. He felt
unsatisfied for he had created only physical existence and physical
non-existence, and had neglected the spiritual. As he contemplated
this, a great Quiet was caused and he went into a state of Deep Sleep
which lasted for five eras. At the end of this ordeal, he begat a
brother to Eris and Aneris, that of SPIRITUALITY, who had no name at
all.

When the Sisters heard this, they both confronted Void and pleaded
that he not forget them, his First Born. And so Void decreed thus:

That this brother, having no form, was to reside with Aneris in
Non-Being and then to leave her and, so that he might play with order
and disorder, reside with Eris in Being. But Eris became filled with
sorrow when She heard this and then began to weep.

"Why are you despondent?" demanded Void. "Your new brother will
have his share with you." "But Father, Aneris and I have been
arguing, and she will take him from me when she discovers him, and
cause him to return to Non-Being." "I see," replied Void. "Then I
decree the following:

"When your brother leaves the residence of Being, he shall not
reside again in Non-Being, but shall return to Me, Void, from whence
he came. You girls may bicker as you wish, but My son is your Brother
and We are all of Myself."

There is serenity in Chaos.
Seek ye the Eye of the Hurricane.

A POEE MYSTEREE RITE:
SRI SYADASTIAN CHANT
written, in some sense, by Mal-2

Unlike a song, chants are not sung but chanted. This particular one
is much enhanced by the use of a leader to chant the Sanskrit alone,
with all participants chanting the English. It also behooves one to
be in a quiet frame of mind and to be sitting in a still position,
perhaps The Buttercup Position. It also helps if one is absolute
zonked out of his gourd.

RUB-A-DUB-DUB.
O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Hung Mung.
SYA-DASTI.
O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Mojo.
SYA-DAVAK-TAVYA.
O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Zarathud.
SYA-DASTI-SYA-NASTI.
O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Elder Mal.
SYA-DASTI-KAVAK-TAV-YASKA.
O! Hail Eris. Blessed St. Gulik.
SYA-DASTI-SYA-NASTI-SYA-DAVAK-TAV-YASKA.
O! Hail Eris. All hail Discordia.
RUB-A-DUB-DUB.

It is then repeated indefinitely, or for the first two-thousand miles,
whichever comes first.

CLASSIFICATION OF SAINTS

SAINT SECOND CLASS To be reserved for all human beings deserving of Sainthood. Example: St. Norton the First, Emperor of the United States and Protector of Mexico (his grave near San Francisco is an official POEE Shrine).

The following four categories are reserved for fictional beings who,
not being actual, are more capable of perfection.

LANCE SAINT Good Saint material and definitely inspiring. Example: St. Yossarian (_Catch 22,_ Heller).

LIEUTENANT SAINT Excellent Goddess-saturated Saint. Example: St. Quixote (_Don Quixote,_ Cervantes).

BRIGADIER SAINT Comparable to Lieutenant Saint but has an established following (fictional or factual). Example: St. Bokonon (_Cat's Cradle,_ Vonnegut).

FIVE STAR SAINT The Five Apostles of Eris.

NOTE: It is an Old Erisian Tradition to never agree with each other
about Saints.

Everybody understands Mickey Mouse. Fe understand Herman Hesse. Only
a handful understood Albert Einstein. And nobody understood Emperor
Norton.
-- slogan of Norton Cabal -- S.F.

THE POEE ASTROLOGICAL SYSTEM

On your next birthday, return to the place of your birth and, at precisely midnight, noting your birth time and date of observation, count all visible stars.

THE CURSE OF GREYFACE AND THE INTRODUCTION OF NEGATIVISM

To choose order of disorder, or disorder over order, is to accept a
trip composed of both the creative and the destructive. But to choose
the creative over the destructive is an all-creative trip composed of
both order and disorder. To accomplish this, one need only accept
creative disorder along with, and equal to, creative order, and also
be willing to reject destructive order as an undesirable equal to
destructive disorder.

The Curse of Greyface included the division of life into
order/disorder as the essential positive/negative polarity, instead of
building a game foundation with creative/destructive as the essential
positive/negative. He has thereby caused man to endure the
destructive aspects of order and has prevented man from effectively
participating in the creative uses of disorder. Civilization reflects
this unfortunate division.

POEE proclaims that the other division is preferable, and we work
toward the proposition that creative disorder, like creative order, is
possible and desirable; and that destructive order, like destructive
disorder, is unnecessary and undesirable.

Seek the Sacred Chao -- therein you will find the foolishness of all
ORDER/DISORDER. They are the same!

[Illustration: cryptic heiroglyphs]

ERISIAN MAGIC RITUAL:
THE TURKEY CURSE

Revealed by the Apostle Dr. Van Van Mojo as a specific counter to
the evil Curse of Greyface, the TURKEY CURSE is here passed on to
Erisians everywhere for their just protection.

The Turkey Curse works. It is firmly grounded on the fact that
Greyface and his followers absolutely require an Aneristic setting to
function and that a timely introduction of Eristic vibrations will
neutralize their foundation. The Turkey Curse is designed solely to
counteract _negative_ Aneristic vibes and if introduced into a neutral
or positive Aneristic setting (like a poet working out word rhythms)
it will prove harmless, or at worst, simply annoying. It is not
designed for use against negative _Eristic_ vibes, although it can be
used as an Eristic vehicle to introduce positive vibes into a
misguided Eristic setting. In this instance, it would be the
responsibility of the Erisian Magician to manufacture the positive
vibrations if results are to be achieved. CAUTION -- all magic is
powerful and requires courage and integrity on the part of magician.
This ritual, if misused, can backfire. Positive motivation is
essential for self-protection.

TO PERFORM THE TURKEY CURSE:

Take a foot stance as if you were John L. Sullivan preparing for
fisticuffs. Face the particular greyface you wish to short-circuit,
or towards the direction of the negative Aneristic vibration that you
wish to neutralize. Begin waving your arms in any elaborate manner
and make motions with your hands as though you were Mandrake feeling
up a sexy giantess. Chant, loudly and clearly:

The results will be instantly apparent.

A PRIMER FOR ERISIAN EVANGELISTS
by Lord Omar

THE SOCRATIC APPROACH is most successful when confronting the
ignorant. The "socratic approach" is what you call starting an
argument by asking questions. You approach the innocent and simply
ask, "Did you know that God's name is ERIS, and that He is a girl?"
If he answers "Yes," then he is probably a fellow Erisian and so you
can forget it. If he says "No," then quickly proceed to:

THE BLIND ASSERTION and say, "Well, He _is_ a girl, and His name
is ERIS!" Shrewdly observe if the subject is convinced. If he is,
swear him into the Legion of Dynamic Discord before he changes his
mind. If he does not appear convinced, then proceed to:

THE FAITH BIT: "But you must have faith! All is lost without
faith! I sure feel sorry for you if you don't have faith." And then
add:

THE ARGUMENT BY FEAR and in an ominous voice ask, "Do you know
what happens to those who deny Goddess?" If he hesitates, don't tell
him that he will surely be reincarnated as a precious Mao Button and
distributed to the poor in the Region of Thud (which would be a mean
thing to say), just shake your head sadly, and, while wiping a tear
from your eye, go to:

THE FIRST CLAUSE PLOY wherein you point to all of the discord and
confusion in the world and exclaim, "Well, who the hell do you think
did all of this, wise guy?" If he says, "Nobody, just impersonal
forces," then quickly respond with:

THE ARGUMENT BY SEMANTICAL GYMNASTICS and say that he is
absolutely right, and that those impersonal forces are female and that
Her name is ERIS. If he, wonder of wonders, still remain obstinate,
then finally resort to:

THE FIGURATIVE SYMBOLISM DODGE and confide that sophisticated
people like himself recognize that Eris is a Figurative Symbol for an
Ineffable Metaphysical Reality and that The Erisian Movement is really
more like a poem than like a science and that he is liable to be
turned into a precious Mao Button and distributed to the poor in The
Region of Thud if he does not get hip. Then put him on your mailing
list.

[Illustration: a hand extended out of a pool of water, making the "V"
sign]
SINK: A GAME
by Ala Hera, E.L., N.S.; Rayville Apple Panthers

SINK is played by Discordians and people of much ilk.

PURPOSE: To sink an object or a thing . . . in water or mud or
anything you can sink something in.

RULES: Sinking is allowed in any manner. To date, ten pound chunks
of mud were used to sink a tobacco can. It is preferable to have a
pit of water or a hole to drop things in. But rivers, bays, gulfs --
I dare say even oceans -- can be used.

TURNS are taken thusly: whomsoever gets the junk up and in the air
first.

DUTY: It shall be the duty of all persons playing SINK to help find
more objects to sink, once one object is sunk.

UPON SINKING: The sinked shall yell, "I sank it!" or something
equally as thoughtful.

NAMING OF OBJECTS is sometimes desirable. The object is named by the
finder of such object and whoever sinks it can say, for instance, "I
sunk Columbus, Ohio."

"In a way, we're kind of a Peace Corps."
-- Maj. A. Lincoln German, Training
Director of the Green Beret Special
Warfare School, Ft. Bragg, N.C.

WITHIN THE NEXT FIFTY-FIVE DAYS YOU WILL RECEIVE FIFTY-FIVE HUNDRED
POUNDS OF CHAINS!
In the meantime -- plant your seeds.

If a lot of people who receive this letter plant a few seeds and a lot
of people receive this letter, then a lot of seeds will get planted.
Plant your seeds.

In parks. On lots. In public flower beds. In remote places. At
City Hall. Wherever -- whenever. Or start a plantation in your
closet (but best read up on that beforehand). For casual planting,
it's best to soak them in water for a day and plant in a bunch of
about five (5), about half-an-inch deep. Don't worry much about the
weather, as they know when the weather is wrong and will try to wait
for nature. Don't soak them if it's wintertime. Seeds are a very
hearty form of life and strongly desire to grown and flourish. But
some of them need people's help to get started. So plant your seeds.

Make a few copies of this letter (five would be nice), and send them
to friends of yours. Try to mail to different cities and states, or
even different countries. If you would rather not, then please pass
this copy on to someone and perhaps they would like to.

THERE IS NO TRUTH
to the legend that if you throw away a chain letter then all sorts of
catastrophic, abominable, and outrageous disasters will happen.
Except, of course, from your seed's point-of-view.

EXECUTED

Ye have locked yerselves up in cages of fear - and, behold, do ye now complain that ye lack FREEDOM!

Ye have case out yer brothers for devils and now complain ye, lamenting, that ye've been left to fight alone.

All Chaos was once yer kingdom; verily, held ye dominion over the entire Pentaverse, but today ye wax sore afraid of dark corners, nooks, and sink holes.

O how the darknesses do crowd up, one against the other in ye hearts! What fear ye more than what ye have wroughten?

Verily, verily I say unto you, not all the Sinister Ministers of the Bavarian Illuminati, working together in multitudes, could so entwine the land with tribulation as have your baseless warnings.

DESPITE strong evidence to the contrary, persistent
rumor has it that it was Mr. Momomoto's brother
who swallowed Mr. Momomoto in the summer of '44.

Advertisement

Have you ever SECRETLY WONDERED WHY
the GREAT PYRAMID has FIVE sides
(counting the bottom)?
IS there an ESOTERIC ALLEGORY con-
cealed in the apparently innocent
legend of Snow White and the Seven

INTER-OFFICE PRIVATE WIRE SENT

THE ANCIENT ILLUMINATED SEERS OF BAVARIA -- VIGILANCE LODGE
Mad Mailk, Hauptscheissmeister; Resident for Norton Cabal

DISCORDIAN SOCIETY SUPER SECRET CRYPTOGRAPHIC CYPHER CODE

Of possible interest to all Discordians, this information is herewith
released from the vaults of A.I.S.B., under the auspices of Episkopos
Dr. Mordecai Malignatius, K.N.S.

Sample message: HAIL ERIS

Conversion:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X
Y Z
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26

STEP 1. Write out message (HAIL ERIS) and put all vowels at end
(HLRSAIEI)
STEP 2. Reverse order (IEIASRLH)(
STEP 3. Convert to numbers (9-5-9-1-19-18-12-8)
STEP 4. Put into numerical order (1-5-8-9-9-12-18-19)
STEP 5. Convert back to letters (AEHIILRS)

This cryptographic cypher code is GUARANTEED TO BE 100% UNBREAKABLE.

BEWARE! THE PARANOIDS ARE WATCHING YOU!

The World's Oldest and Most Successful Conspiracy

[ ] Official Business [X] Surreptitious Business

From: MAD MALIK, Hauptscheissmeister

Dear Brother Mal-2,

In response to your request for unclassified agitprop to be inserted
in the new edition of _Principia,_ hope the following will be of use.
And please stop bothering us with your incessant letters!

Episkopos Mordecai, Keeper of the Notary Sojac, informs me that you
are welcome to reveal that our oldest extant records show us to have
been fully established in Atlantis, circa 18 000 B.C., under Kull, the
galley slave who ascended to the Throne of Valusia. Revived by Pelias
of Koth, circa 10 000 B.C. Possible it was he who taught the inner
teachings to Conan of Cimmeria after Conan because King of Aquilonia.
First brought to the western hemisphere by Conan and taught to Mayan
priesthood (Conan is Quetzlcoatl). That was 4 Ahua, 8 Cumhu, Mayn
date. revived by Abdul Alhazrad in his infamous _Al Azif,_ circa 800
A.D. (_Al Azif_ translated into Latin by Olaus Wormius, 1132 A.D., as
_The Necronomicon._) In 1090 A.D. was the founding of the Ismaelian
Sect (Hashishim) by Hassan i Sabbah, with secret teachings based on
Alhazred, Pelias, and Kull. Founding of the Illuminated Ones of
Bavaria, by Adam Weishaupt, on May 1, 1776. He based it on the

others. Weishaupt brought it to the United States during the period
that he was impersonating George Washington; and it was he who was the
Man in Black who gave the design for the Great Seal to Jeferson in the
garden that night. The Illuminated tradition is now, of course, in
the hands of the Ancient Illuminated Seers of Bavaria (A.I.S.B.),
headquartered here in the United States.

Our teachings are not, need I remind you, available for publication.
No harm, though, in admitting that some of them can be found disguised
in Joyce's _Finnegan's Wake,_ Burrough's _Nova Express,_ the King
James translation of _The Holy Bible_ (though not the Latin or
Hebrew), the _The Blue Book._ Not to speak of Ben Franklin's private
papers (!), but we are still suppressing those.

Considering current developments -- you know the ones I speak of -- it
has been decided to reveal a few more of our front organizations.
Your publication is timely, so mention that in addition to the old
fronts like the Masons, the Rothchild banks, and the Federal Reserve
System, we now have significant control of the Federal Bureau of
Investigation (since Hoover died last year, but that is still secret),
the Students for a Democratic Society, the Communist Party U.S.A., the
American Anarchist Association, the John Dillinger Died For You
Society and the Camp Fire Girls. It is still useful to continue the
sham of the Birchers that we are seeking world domination; so do not
reveal that political and economic control was generally complete
several generations ago and that we are just playing with the world
for a while until civilization advances sufficiently for phase five.

[Illustration: a hand reading
MORE points to the next page]
MALIK to Mal-2 pg. 2

In fact you might still push Vennard's _The Federal Reserve Hoax_:
"Since the Babylonian Captivity there has existed a determined,
behind-the-scenes, under-the-table, atheistic, satanic, anti-Christian
force -- worshippers of Mammon -- whose undying purpose is world
control through the control of Money. July 1, 1776 [correct that to
May 1st -- Vennard can't get anything right] the Serpent raised its
head in the underground secret society known as the Illuminati,
founded by Adam Weishaupt. There is considerable documentary evidence
to prove all revolutions, wars, depressions, strikes, and chaos stem
from this source." Etc., etc. You know the stuff.

The general location of our U.S. HQ, incidentally, has been nearly
exposed; and so we will be moving for the first time this century
(what a drag!). If you want, you can reveal that it is located deep
in the labyrinth of sewers beneath Dealy Plaza in Dallas, and is
presided over by the Dealy Lama. Enclosed are some plans for several
new potential locations. Please review and add any comments you feel
pertinent, especially regarding the Eristic propensity of the Pentagon
site.

Oh, and we have some good news for you, Brother Mal! You know that
Zambian cybernetics genius who joined us? Well, he has secretly
coordinated the FBI computers with the Zurich System and our
theoreticians are in ecstasy over the new information coming out.
Look, if you people out there can keep from blowing yourselves up for
only two more generations, then we will finally have it. After 20 000
years, Kull's dream will be realized! We can hardly believe it. But
the outcome is certain, given the time. Our grandchildre