Who's a big boy? Who's a big boy? Ohh. OOooooooh. Wassabigguy? Peeekaboo. Oh! Peekaboo!

... and we have to wear these ugly green bridesmaids gowns, because Sally can only wear this ugly green wedding dress because it's the only one that'll hide her stomach, but I think she should just let herself look pregnant, 'cause everyone knows... so what if it isn't the grooms baby, the important thing is that she married someone. Besides, I think pregnancy is so beautiful, you know?

I don't know... you get pretty fat… (notices Gayle glaring at him) it's a beautiful fat though…

It was sad today... last day of classes and everything... I wonder how many people we'll forget about.

I don't know, most of 'em I hope.

Yeah... They're hiring at the Dairy Queen... Where you gonna work this summer?

I dunno. My folks said they'd pay for school next year. So I guess I'll just ... fuck the dog.

Ewww, I hate that expression. Why a dog? Couldn't you fuck something else?

Sure!

You're not fucking me until we are good and married buddy... in front of God and Jesus and our parents and everything.

... and then, and only then, shall they fuck... man and wife, fucking and fucking without fear of the sinner's retribution... for man and wife be they, and fucking is their duty unto God.

I like your new truck.

Mornin' Ma, mornin' Pa. Is that the time. I'm going to be late for school.

You can take the truck.

You're gonna let me take your truck to school?

Not my truck, ya moron, your truck.

Out there...

What the...

Happy birthday dear. 18's a big one.

Figure you're a man. Man needs two things. Truck's one of 'em.

What's the other one?

Well, there's 12 of 'em behind the seat.

I love you Dad!

Aw shut up. Go do your chores.

Yeah... my dad made it out of four other ones. I'm sitting in a ford, but you're in a Chevy.

Got a lot of room in here... almost as big as my bedroom.

It's a king cab. And you are my queen.

So where we going?

Some bar in Saskatoon.

I'm not going to a strip club! Or karaoke! I will -

It's not a strip club. It's like a comedy bar. I mean, it's a regular bar, but with comedy nights, you know?

Oh. Well that's okay then.

I said, Hey Baby. That's not even my clock.

Yeah... I watch a lot of TV, any of you people watch TV? Yeah, if I lived in Saskatoon, I'd watch a lot of TV too.

Well, you know that commercial where the guy comes home with the groceries and his girlfriend leaves a trail of her underwear to the bedroom, and she lights candles, and then she locks her boyfriend in the bedroom and steals his chocolate bar? You know that one? Yeah? ... WHAT A BITCH!

That is just like a white man to be that stupid! Personally, I would not fall for that, cause his girlfriend made one mistake in that commercial... she used clean underwear to make that trail to the bedroom... All the little white boy had to do was take a good sniff of any of them things... bra, panties, whatever... and he would have known she wasn't naked behind that door, and then he could have kept that chocolate bar FOR HIMSELF!

I'll tell you, white guys can't do nothing right... name me one thing a whitey can do better than a black man... ain't one... we dance better, we play any sport better, we fuck better... what can whitey do?

Drink!

That's my laugh, white boy! We'll make a deal. You let me have the laughs and I'll let you leave with your woman. Cause I got what every prairie girl wants. A big black Jamaican dick.

You're the biggest Jamaican dick I ever saw!

That's a pin in my voo doo doll, white boy. You got me, alright. You're OK, Mr. Saskatoon, you're OK...

Saskatoon... I'm doin' a gig in Saskatoon... I remember when I was a

little baby boy, I used to dream of the day when I would stand in the spotlight, a big time comedian, playing in Saskatoon...And tonight, you made my dream come true.Okay Goodnight, I'm Dennis "Fool" Irving, you've been great! 'Cept you white boy, I'm just kidding, Goodnight!

That was so funny. He was so funny. You were funny. It was just so funny.

Yeah, it was great.

Hey Farmboy. You earned yourself a beer.

Thanks. You want to sit down?

Don't mind if I do. Who is this fine, fine lady?

Uh, this is Gail. Gail this is

A big Jamaican dick! Ha ha!

You were so funny.

That's my job. Your boy here is funny on his own time. You should come back here tomorrow night.

What's tomorrow night?

It's big balls night. When the amateur assholes like you get up dere and lose dere balls. You got tough balls farmboy?

His balls are just fine.

Of course they are. Silky smooth, no question. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow night then, Farmboy? Until then, Pretty Lady.

Bye.

That was fun.

Yeah. It was great. That guy, he was great, I mean the whole thing.

You were great too.

Did you think?

Sure.

Cause it was something. Those people thought I was kinda funny.

Everyone thinks you're funny.

At school, that's one thing. Tonight, I made adults laugh.

Drunk adults. Just kidding.

I'm going to do that. I'm going to become a professional Stand up comedian.

Instead of the farm? Instead of University?

I can't explain it, but when I said... whatever it was I said, and the people around me laughed... it was like, I felt the power... I felt like this was it... this was what I was meant to do. It felt like

Instead of me?

Nothing I got planned is instead of you Gayle. Everything I can think of is with you. I've never seen my life so clearly.

Gayle, will you marry me?

I'll marry you Colin... but first... I wanna fuck your brains out.

Gayle, you are so cool.

Colin, what happened?

Dad's trying to kill me.

So what did you do?

Jesus Christ! What in Job's name did you think you were doing?!

I said I was sorry and you already hit me Mom!

Now will you two calm down and tell me just what happened.

... So I'm out castrating sheep with my Dad this afternoon, and he's going on and on about university and how great it'll be for me to learn about the proper scientific terms for soil erosion and which animal droppings make the best fertilizer, and I must admit my mind got to wandering. It's a simple thing to castrate a sheep. Grab, pull, twist cut, toss. Grab, pull, twist cut, toss. Grab, pull, twist cut, toss. We got like a bazillion little sheep packages to cut off and like I said my mind was wandering. So my Dad, meanwhile is going on and on and he starts pissing while he's standing next to me there, talking. Farmers are like that. They piss where they are.. and... like I said, my mind was wandering... and I didn't see my dad, I just saw this... little... package... and you've got to understand, my father is quite a hairy guy... almost sheeplike in his hairiness, so when I grabbed that fuzzy little thing, it just felt right... and I was into the rhythm of the thing, grab, pull, twist, cut, toss, I got as far as Grab, pull, twist... SMACK! And something nails me in the side of the head and I look down and I'm holding on to my father's tackle and I look up and my Dad's lips are movin' at me, but all I hear is BAAAA BAAAAAA BAAAAAA! Its a good thing we weren't milking the cows.

Colin McLeod, ladies and gentlemen! First time on stage! Give him a hand! Wow! Colin McLeod...

You're a funny fuckin' white boy, Heh heh, Milkin' de cows. Light up my spliff.

You're gonna smoke dope in here?

Let me tell you man. We got special privledges.Fools rules! Like in Shakepeare plays, the fool always kicking the kings ego all around, nobody telling him no. That's like us. We be the fools. And that means nobody tells us what to do.

Did you really think I was good?

Fucking A, my man!

No seriously, Fool. I was sort of thinking of taking it up. Trying to do it, like for a job, so I gotta know if I'm any good.

I tell you what. Here's my card. You move to Toronto, you come see me. You can even stay at my place.

Really?

You can stay here and be the funniest fuckhead in the wheat pool or you can come to where its real. It's up to you.

Let me see that joint.

Joint? I don't have a joint. Some Saskawhiteboy hands you it, its a joint. I only pass the sweetest of Jamaican spliffs Which I suspect will be too much for your untainted Saskatchewarian brain.

Time to get my brain tainted, I guess.

Oh man. Truer words you never spoke. Truer words never- hey come back here with my joint.

Thanks for all your help in the kitchen, Gayle.

No problem at all, Mrs. McLeod.

We looked into Agriculture at the university for you. The Simpson's boy went through Agriculture there and he's twice the farmer his old man was... he knows about computers!

I need to talk to you about that -

We told you we'd pay for it.

Provided you come back here when you're done.

We don't want to see you aimless. Like Brad.

Don't say his name

He's my son. I'll say his name if I feel like.

The Pastor said not to speak his...

Brad. Brad. Brad. Brad.

Jesus loves me, this I know-

Brad, Brad, Brad!

Dad, Mom! We've decided to get married, we're moving to Toronto and I'm going to become a professional stand up comedian.

Oh! You're getting married!

You're becoming what?

That's just lovely

No goddamn way.

Language!

Did you even hear what the little shit just said?!

He said he was getting married...

...And becoming a bum

No, a comedian

Tomato, tomato...

tomato, Tomaato, Dad

You shut the fuck up!

I don't want to hear this language!

Then fuckin' plug your fuckin' ears, I want to talk to my fuckin' son.

I'm going to go do the dishes...

I'll help you.

Alright kid, you listen to me. I built you a truck. I fed you for years. I offered to put you through University so that you could make something of yourself! If you intend to become Mr. fuckin' funny-pants, you are CUT OFF. Do you hear me boy?

Yessir, I hear you. And I don't care.

... and do you, Gayle Louise Moon take this man, Colin James McLeod to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

... and do you Colin James McLeod take this woman, Gayle Louise Moon to be your lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

Then by the powers vested in me by the province of Saskatchewan, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Are you mad at me?

No.

Are you scared?

Yes.

Me too.

You never told me how your parents were, with us moving to Toronto and all.

Is he a homosexual?

Aye and begorrah! That's what we'd all like to know.

Of course not, Mom, Dad. I married him.

If he's a homo- maybe - oh, Gayle are you lesbian? Tell me you've slept with him.

Mom, I'm pregnant with his child.

Oh thank God.

But why Toronto? Why show business?

It's his dream.

His dream? I knew it. A homosexual.

Your uncle Billy was in show business. He ended up making ..those films.

Gay porno! My daughter's knocked up by a homo and they're going to Toronto to make GAY PORNO!

No. They were fine.

My parent's were pretty okay too.

And you have to find out right away where you're allowed to go as a white person, ask a local as soon as you get there. It's really important.

Right, Dad. Buy a meat order, get immunized, find out where white folks can go. I think I got it.

You know your brother Brad?

Barely.

Well here's his number in Toronto, in case of emergency. I been calling him every so often, and he's settled down pretty okay there.

You've been calling Brad?

Do not tell your Mother.

Don't tell you Father. He's very old fashioned.

Okay, Mom.

Apparently he's some sort of playwright or something out there. Maybe he can give you a leg up.

Thanks, Mom.

Did your father tell you to get a meat order?

Yeah. They were pretty cool.

You're pretty cool.

You're pretty cool too.

How much longer?

We're here.

Wow.

Look in the glove compartment for Fool's address.

I don't see it.

It's gotta be there.

Well, I'm telling you I don't see it. Who else do we know in Toronto?

He lives above a bar called..The Manhole.

Should we call first?

Yeah.

- and that's why pineapple makes semen taste better. Oh hey there little brother! Give your homo brother a hug!

Hi Brad. Long time no see.

A long time. Last I saw this little puker he was giving Dad golden showers during diaper changes.

I'd pay to see that.

Its really good to see you, Brad. This is my wife Gayle.

Your wife! My God. The folks have certainly made a citizen out of you, haven't they?

I'm sorry to show up like this. I had a friend to stay with, but -

Say no more! Is blood not blood? I've got a pretty little condo right upstairs.As snug as a buggery. Ummmm.

Gayle.

Gayle! Do you cook?

I love to cook.

Great. I love to eat. Let's go. I'll see you Laurel!

Not if I see you first, cuntface!

Eat my shit! Right this way.

Um excuse me, Is that your friend?

I wouldn't speak that way to a friend. That's my sister.

But that was a man, wasn't it?

Come, my children. You have so much to learn.

This is the coffee grinder. Only use it for chopping pot.

I have never seen such a kitchen.

And this is the rice steamer. The hash hotknives. This is a wok. Do you know woks in Saskatchewan?

We're not completely isolated... we do have a satellite dish.

Well this is the same shape, but smaller. Now this is important, financially and spiritually.

Sugar.

Cocaine.

Sugar. Cocaine. Got it.

Don't mix them up. The sugar goes in the coffee, and the coke is for when we're out of coffee. There's plenty of time to try both. Now, I'm thinking lemon chicken tonight.

With garlic potatoes?

Where did you find this woman?

The fairies left her for me.

Now that I believe. Gayle. Even though you don't have a cock, you're my sister.

Thanks.

So, you're going to be a comedian.

That's the plan.

Is it the plan or do you have a plan at all?

I'm sure Colin knows just what to do.

To be a comedian one needs some sort of comedic engagement.

A gig.

A gig.

Where are you gonna get one of those?

lllllllllladies and gentlemen welcome to Yuk Yuks Komedy Kabaret... in the interests of the other members of the audience, please keep your table conversation to a minimum, and your laughter to a maximum... and now, here's

your host and Emcee tonight... Fooooooooooooooollllll

Good evinin' dere Toronto...

and ow are we all doin tonight?

Alright, alright... we got a pack of snot-nosed amateurs rarin' to go, so put yer hands, feet, or flippers together for our first young comic, Sheldon Smithers!

Holy fucking shit! Is that you Whiteboy? Why didn't you call me?

I lost your number.

Well you are here at the right time, my boy! It's amateur night!

Oh, I thought I'd just watch.

Fuck that. I'll bump the venquilitrist. I hate that guy. Get ready. You're next.

No, I -

Boy did that suck! That's okay though. Coming up next we got the funniest whiteboy since Arsenio Hall - Colin MacCleod!

Uh... hi... uh... I'm from Saskatchewan...

Oh... uh... thanks... gee... you know what? It's hard to find a place to park your pickup truck here...

Yeah, so, uh... my dad... uh, he's a farmer...

Oh... uh yeah, so anyways, we were castrating sheep one day...

Oh, uh... yeah... heh heh heh... so anyways...

Very good.

I told you man, the hick act!

Like the hick act.

The farmboy thing is gold in your mouth my man.

But I didn't get to the end of my story.

Sorry man, everybody gets five minutes... dem's de rules... By the way, where did you get the costume?

These are my good clothes.

Anyhow, the man wants you to do fifteen minutes next week. You got it in you?

That's how long it takes to tell the whole story.

Oh shit, they buzzed that guy already... I gotta go.

When you get to tell a whole story, is it more funny or less?

It's just about the time I almost castrated Dad.

Do they take reservations here? Garcon!

Ladies and gentleman. His first time opening in the big city, Colin MacCleod!

Ladies and gents, Yuk Yuks favorite opener, Colin MacCleod

Please welcome Yuk Yuks newest regular, Colin MacCleod!

Colin MacCleod!

Man, you is on fire. All you need now is a lucky break.

Five minutes Mr. Horowitz... you're on in five minutes... Mr. Horowitz?

I feel terrible.

When you're numbers up, it's up, whiteboy. People still gotta laugh.

Who was this Horowitz guy?

Larry Horowitz, I once saw him open a show with the line... "So I'm takin' a shit..."

Really?

Yup... "So I'm takin' a shit... and it's all purple..."

Oh man... was he funny?

Damn funny! But now he's dead, and you're in his spot so you better be damn funny too.

What's Peterborough like?

It's alot like Paris.

Really?

No.

About your act, man -

Yeah?

You gotta swear more.

You think more cussing would make it funnier?

Maybe not but in these smaller clubs, its the only way you're getting out of there alive.

oh.

So me and Dad are castrating the fuckin' sheep. And my Dad's goin' on about fuckin' University and how I'll learn about soil erosion, and which types of shit make the best fucking fertilizers, and my mind got to wandering.It's a simple thing to de-dick a sheep. You just fuckin' grab, pull, twist, cut, toss. Fuckin' grab, pull, twist, cut, toss. Fuckin' grab, fuckin' pull, fuckin' twist, fuckin' cut, fucking toss -

Give him a hand! Colin MacCleod! A funny fuckin' guy!

Was that better?

I give you dis, man. You sure can take a note.

Fuckin' A! So what do we do now?

Now we drink, oh hello.

You were just great.

Just great. Hilarious.

You look like a cowboy.

You were so funny.

Really funny.

Thanks very much. Well should we get that drink, Fool?

Not unless dese fine ladies come along with us.

Come with you?

We'd love to.

That'd be great.

You were so funny.

Hilarious.

Oh great! I'll be right there. I just gotta call my wife.

Your wife?

Yeah. She's at home, pregnant with our first. I gotta call her.

We gotta go.

I wanna stay.

We gotta go!

We gotta go...

How did we get here?

What?

How did we get here?

In your car.

And what was the car on?

On the road.

Good, yes. On the road. You and me is on the road. And the road is more than a piece of asphalt. It's a state of being and a moral vacuum. Fools rule number FOUR! What happens on the road, stays on the road.

Fool. I'm married. On the road or not.

I can dig that. But be a wingman, will ya.I'm feeling a little anxious, if you know what I mean.

Sure.

Cool. Here's another chance.

You were just great.

Just great. Hilarious.

I love you.

How much?

To the moon and back a thousand times.

I AM THE WORLD FUCKING CHAMPION!

I'm sorry. What did you say?

I said I love you too.

Yeah. That's what I thought you said.

Oohh... Now Magazine...

Name. Colin MacCleod. Occupation. Hot new comic. Sign is Cancer. Pet peeve is rude people and biggest recent accomplishment is knocking up his highschool sweetheart. A star is born.

Everybody needs representation. Nobody becomes anybody without somebody to make sure they're seen by everybody. If you wanna go from nobody to somebody, and everybody does, than you need a somebody like me.

A little lower. Did you feel him kick?

Oh my God.

I run Cowpokes, its a country western bar, two stepping, spittoons, that kind of thing.Cowpokes does a comedy night Thursdays and we'd like you to host.

Check with my agent.

Decorated yourself, I see.

Do you like it?

Post industrial Hee Haw. Very hip.

He likes it.

Chocolate, chocolate chip, some bagels and an egg Mcmufffin.

And some rolling papers. Hey, I get cravings too.

BAAAA BAAAA BAAAAA! Good thing we weren't milking the cow.

Gotta go. I going to see Scott Thompson at the Riv.

From Kids in the Hall?

He'll be a kid in my mouth if all goes well. Ta!

What did he mean?

I got a job! Brad says they need someone to sell extacy in the coatroom!

I thought you'd stay home and, you know ...gestate.

Colin. Get real. You wanna be homeless?

No.

Well then.

WOAH! You gonna wear that?

Nobody's gonna hit on me, Stupid. It's a gay bar.

You're gonna sell drugs there?

Who sold you all that pot in highschool? I've got experience.

Great. I married Scarface.

Fuck you.

Bye. Oh hi Fool. Bye Fool.

What have I told you about locking your door? A black man'll come in and steal all your cd's.

What's up?

I'm stealing all your cd's. I'm going on tour.Can I borrow some drivin' tunes?

Sure. How long you gone?

Like four months. Me and Jon Byner are going. He's across the street getting smokes.

John Byner from Bizarre?

Yeah. You want to meet him?

John! Come on up! Hey, look out!

Oh Shit.

I feel terrible.

I can't believe your fuckin' luck, mind you... Everybody gets a raise. I'm the headliner, and you're the opener

I can't believe we're gonna see the whole country.

At least the parts of it that serve draft beer.

Hi, my name's Colin McLeod... I'm from Saskatchewan... ya hirin'?

Alright Winnipeg! It's great to be here! You know, I say this without a lie, here in Winnipeg, you got de most beautiful women this side of Yorkton... I shit thee not...

Hello?

Hello.

You already called me tonight, you nut.

How was the show?

Great.I miss you already...

So, uh... what are you wearing right now?

What am I? Oh I get it... uhh. My clothes.

Well I'm not wearing anything Colin...

Really?

What do you care, just go with it.

Oh right. I'm wearing a cockring and a beaverskin cap -

Uh huh...

What are you doing?

OK, Peter Sellers and Bill Murray...

Ok... that one's easy... ok, Peter Sellers was in What's up Pussycat with Peter O'Toole, who was in Ghost story with Daryl Hannah, who was in Splash with John Candy, who was in... uh... no wait, that doesn't work..

Was Rick Moranis in Splash?

No, I don't think so...

... I used to live on the farm, and we all had nicknames, I was Johnny four-trucks, cause my dad build me a truck made out of 4 other trucks... but there was also Tommy Wheatstick, 'cause he was skinny, and Jimmy combine - cause he was missing an arm, and Tony Six-legs 'cause he spent an inordinate amount of time with the sheep...

Quit your puking in there, whiteboy! We gotta get some breakfast.

I am so hungover.

Here's your beer.

Thanks.(he shotguns the beer) You feel like pancakes?

You know the old saying, Women. Can't live with them, can't find your CD's when they move out.

Ok, how's this... Peter Sellers was in some movie with Peter Cook, who was in The Princess Bride with uh... Christopher Guest, who was in Spinal tap with John Candy...

(annoying game show horn) Ehhhh! First of all, you can't just call it "some movie", and b, John Candy was not in Spinal Tap.

Yeah, he was the mime

No, that was Billy Crystal...

Oh...Yeah...

Everybody. This is my sister Gayle. Her Hubby's away so she's watching the Babs special with us.

When are you due, sweetie?

Not for a month yet. Not until Colin gets back.

Well you look about ready to burst to me.

I'll be okay. Now which of you wanted me to dye their hair?

... Yeah, that's what I do, I think up weird shit, like... why do condoms come in pack of 6 or 12, but women only come in packs of 5?

Check one, check. Hot damn, if it isn't Lonely Lenny! Colin, you gotta meet this guy. Lenny! How's it hangin'?

Longer than it used to, but only half as thick.

This is Colin. He's the new kid on the block.

It's fun so far, huh? It always starts out fun. Booze and grass and staying up late. Every night a new town, new bar, maybe some new wriggly piece of ass. But before you know it you've got nobody and nothing, waking up with a hangover from a fifteen year bender. You're married, I see. Won't last. Unless you're damn careful or she's damn stupid.I know, I know. You'd never do anything like that. We all say that. But sooner or later you're at the all night drugstore trying to get rid of those crabs before you get home.

How many times you been married, Lenny?

Four. I always pick the next one stupider than the last in the hope that one'll finally put up with me. No luck so far and now I'm too old to fuck, so I guess I'll die alone. You two friends?

Won't last. One of you'll get too successful or he'll fuck your woman or you'll screw him over on a gig. There's no friends in this business.

Ain't it the truth. Well, you take care of yourself, Lenny.

Ain't nobody else gonna take care of me.

That guy is so sad.

I met that guy eight years ago. He's cheered up a lot since then.

Do you think he's right?

Everybody's right, man. And everybody's wrong too.

How long are you gonna talk like Yoda?

Till you a honkey jedi master.

People talk about how macho the rodeo is, but it always struck me as sort of a gay thing. I mean, think about it. You spend all your time with guys in chaps comparing the size of your belt buckle, the big event is getting bucked by a beast with a tattoo on his butt and a ring in his nose, you get your ass

pounded for eight seconds until a guy in makeup comes and helps you get off.

Look at her looking at you, my man.

She can sense my farmer virility.

OH Yeah. You got animal pheromones dripping off you man.

Shit. It's last call. What're we getting?

Six drafts and four tequila.

I'll ask about some dope.

You're getting good at this, Farmboy.

I learned from the best.

You're getting a little too good at this.

So here I am in Canada, which is a multicultural country, which is good. You get the feelin' one day Whitey looked around and said, "Well, we certainly have alot of Black folk and Orientals and whatnot walking around. We better write on this piece of paper that its okay. People might get nervous"

Good show, whiteboy.

Ah, you blew me away. I wish I was black. At least had an accent.

Hey. We're friends right?

Sure.

Like really good friends, right?

Of course man.

I gotta tell you a secret.

Yeah.

I'm from Kitchener.

You mean your accent -

Fake, eh.

You fucker!

Shhhhhhhh.

You are really sexy.

You're really sexy too.

So you live around here, huh?

Just around the corner.

I'm married.

You asshole.

Not to say its wrong to have sex with a sheep. I mean, if you're really in love, I think it's okay.

Ok, Peter Sellers was in What's up Pussycat with Peter O'Toole, who was in Ghost story with Daryl Hannah, who was in Splash with John Candy, who was in Planes, Trains and Automobiles with Steve Martin, who was in my Blue Heaven with Rick Moranis, who was in Ghostbusters with Bill Murray... Ha!

Oh yeah, the real Comedy Legend stories you don't hear 'cause they're too fucking rude for public consumption... like the time Frank Van Keekan stripped onstage and then pretended to buttfuck a patron... Yuk's got sued over that one, and Frank got banned for 2 years...

Or the time Larry Horowitz, rest in peace, took a shit onstage...

I thought that was Frank Zappa... no wait, Alice Cooper shat, Frank ate it.

Yeah well Zappa got that bit from Horowitz...

Mannnnn.

Then there was Fats Butcherfuck. He did this closer - set up was: How do you piss off a clown -

So - how do you piss off a clown?

You fuck him up the ass. And than old Fats has an actual clown peddle out on stage and he actually fucks him up the ass. And man did that clown look pissed off.

You're full of shit.

Oh yes. Oh yes I am Farmboy. And soon you will be too.

My sister married a first cousin, which is frowned upon where I come from, but isn't necessarily illegal. They had their first kid, so that's five more mouths to feed....

Hello.

Hey baby. I miss you. How are you?

I'm good. Is everything okay at home?

Yes. I just wanted to call. I miss you.

I'm sorry - what?

I miss you.

I miss you too Baby. I gotta go.

Okay.

So John Wayne Bobbit is a porn star. I don't know. My uncle got his thumb sewed back on and he didn't become a professional hitch hiker, or nothin'.

How you doin'?

I'm lonely and tired of drinking and want to go home.

I just meant, do you need another beer.

No. I'm okay.

You don't look so okay. You were funny tonight.

Thanks.

Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says. Hey pal, why the long face.

I always liked that one.

I think I'll set us up some tequila.

What's your name?

I'll tell you tomorrow. Bottoms up.

Oh that Mr. Bean.

Oh my God. It's time.

Did I tell you about my wife?

uh huh. She sounds nice. Is this a button fly?

Yes.You know, she is eight months pregnant and - oh my god.

Did I break your concentration?

I'm married. ... Well okay then.

Hello.

It's time. I need you here. We're having a baby!

You're having the baby now?

You stop whatever you're doing and get on a plane right now!

Okay, honey. Just breathe now.

I'm breathing. I'm breathing.

I gotta go.

I'll just be another minute.

I'll just be another minute

Colin? Don't you hang up on me.

I hate to ask. Could you call me a cab?

Hi.

I got here as fast as I could.Are you okay?

Hmm... The doctor said I was laughing too hard...

Is he ok? Where is he?

He's in that machine... he's the length of a damn pencil...

Wow. Tiny.

Yeah. I'm glad you're back.

Me too. Look at his eyes.

Yeah. He knows everything. He knows everything.

Yeah. He better keep his mouth shut.

How's my gay baby nephew?

We don't know if he's gay, Brad.

Oh he's gay. Look at him checking out my ass.

Damn. He's even whiter than you. Where do you want the egg salad?

In the kitchen.Oh Fool. Congratulations of the Just For Laughs gig.

Yes, it was a shame to leave the tour before we hit New Sarepta, but fame calls.

If I could wave my wand and change one over, it would be him.

Uh Brad. Mom and Dad are coming over.

What? Here? I'll go.

I think you should stay.

I think I'm gonna puke.

They're here.

You prick. You did this on purpose.

You got to talk to them sometime.

Or I could do what I had planned and live my whole life and die and never talk to them again.

Gayle. Could you get the door.

Fuck you.

Mom! Hi.

Hi Brad. I'm so glad you're here.

Hi Colin. Hi Gayle... how are you?

I'm fine Mrs. Mcleod.

Mom. This is Fool.

Oh, like in the Shakespeare plays. How clever.

Thankyou. May I check your egg salad?

Oh. So where is my Grandson?

He's sleeping... it's through here...

Where's Dad?

Yeah?

He's trying to find a place to park the truck...

God dammned yuppie bastard takin' up two spots with....his God Damned Volkswagen...

Hi Dad... look, Brad's here.

I can see that. I'm not an idiot.

Hi dad.

Brad. You look... healthy.

Thanks Dad... you... too...

Hmm.... and the black man?

Name's fool, Mr. McLeod.

Ah...Knew a black man in 74. Good worker.

I didn't mean it like -

I know.

Uh... so, the kids through here?

Yup.

I need to smoke a joint. Bad. Now.

I'm with you man, your parents even make me nervous.

You can't smoke in here... you have to go on the balcony.

Shall we, Mr. big city black man?

Yes we shall, Mr big city Homo.

Well goddamn. ...he's... small.

He's just as sweet as apple pie. Can I hold him?

Sure! I'll be right back.

Hey, little guy's got a good grip. Is there any beer?

Sure dad, I'll be right back..

I think its going well.

I agree. Do we have enough egg salad?

I mean, our parents are in our nursery with our baby while my gay brother smokes a joint on the balcony with a black comedian.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck the bread!

what?

I've gotta put the bread on.

What can I do?

Get out of my kitchen.

I need two beers. Three -

So Dad. Whatchathink?

Good. It's a kid. Say, that black fellow. What kind of a name is that... Fool.

I dunno... I guess it's his stage name, kinda stuck I guess... you know, like Sting.

Who?

Madonna.

Who?

Cher.

Oh. Like Juliet!

Who?

Juliet our pet. Before Anne Murray.

There's someone before Anne Murray?

Oilers are out.

Yeah. They're out of there.

Yup... gone.

Yup.

Oh the Oilers. They're out.

Yeah. So Brad. What have you been doing.

I had a play just open.

Yeah? What's it called?

Superfag saves Cincinnati.

I'm just laughing cause - forget it.

Is there anyone ... special?

No. But I'm young yet. Where's Mom?

Kid shit... she's changin' him.

Dinner!

Thank Christ.

So... Brad... you're new show is going... well?

Well the Globe slammed it, but that's just because I if... uh... knew the reviewer... he doesn't like me... any more.

Oh.

The Millers cow had a calf last week. Had two tails.

Is that right?

Dimmest thing.

So Fool. I understand that you're performing at the Just For Laughs Festival in Montreal. That's in Quebec.

Yes. It's my first time. I even get to be on TV.

On television? Is that right? What the hell's wrong with you, Colin? Why aren't you on TV?

It takes years to get there. It's a Big international festival. For me to be invited now - well it would be some kinda miracle.

So I'm in a taxi cab with the elephant man and he leans over and says, oh my heart, christ my heart, I think I'm "bleep" -ing dying. Oh sweet Christ.

Gilbert Gottfreid, ladies and gentlemen. Gilbert will be at the Just for Laughs Festival in Montre... Gilbert? Gilbert? Go to commercial. Go to -

I feel terrible.

It's a great opportunity, Colin. You'll get to be on TV.

It's all happening too fast. I haven't even been home a month yet.

Colin. If you're gonna be a professional, you need to take gigs like this. You should take the mouthwash. Fresh breath is so important.

When I was on tour. Things got crazy.

Yeah, you'll need both your suits.

I had some times - Did some things - what I'm trying to tell you -

Don't worry! You'll be fine. Fool's here. You're my little star. I'll be watching.

I love you Gayle.

Oh Colin. You are so cool.

Man, I can not believe your luck.

I know... she's a great woman.

What? No man... I mean you getting this gig, man. I gotta work my black ass off in the clubs for 7 years to get "Just for Laughs", and you waltz in and old comedians start droppin' like flies.

I feel terrible.

You got some weird ass motherfuckin' luck boy, that's all I'm saying.

I know, man. I know. Still... I like the sky better than the road.

Oh yes, man...

And now. From Toronto. The funniest black man since Arsenio Hall. Put your hands together for FOOL!

Alright. Hello Montreal. Beautiful town Montreal. I love it here. I've always thought if Toronto is Canada's dick, then Montreal is her tits. That makes Canada a pretty funny looking broad. Butshe should still have better taste than to date Preston Manning...

Oh Fool...

What the hell is that supposed to mean... the man has some good ideas...

I know I know.

When is Colin on this damn thing anyways?

Tomorrow... he's on tomorrow... I was watching that.

Fine. I'll be in the shop. Call me for dinner.

....Always, sniff the panties.

But that's what I do. I notice funny little things. Like, why do condoms come in packs of 6 and 12, and women only come in packs of five? Well, my 15 seconds of fame are up, thank you Montreal. Goodnight.

Fool. I'm from Disney and -

Fool. I'm from 20th century Fox and -

Fool, I'm from HBO and -

Fool, I'm from YTV and -

Fool. I'm from CBC. Maybe we could have a coffee or something because I really enjoyed your humour.

Thankyou gentlemen. I will be in touch.

Fool man, that was great.

Yes my boy, I would have to agree with you. Tonight Montreal belongs to The Fool, I am ten feet tall and BULLETPROOF! now let's get fucked up.

Voion! Are you guys who were looking for acid?

Foool! Foool! Wheredya go?

What's the matter with you?

Who's there?

What the hell is the matter with you?

AAAAAHH! Oh my God.

AHHHHHH! What's the matter Dad? Do I need a change? Do I have poopy drawers?

You're not here.

Okay. I'm not here. You're gonna be my father, huh? What a fuckin joke.

I 'm gonna be a good father to you.

When? Between gigs?

Nice move on tour, by the way. Cheating on Mom with some waitress. Really Dad. It's insulting.

Mom is selling extacy in a gay bar to keep you in meatloaf -

And you repay her with your cock in some chicks mouth -

-while she's giving birth to your child. Oh Colin. You're pathetic.

You're pathetic.

You're pathetic.

You're pathetic.

You're pathetic. If you can't tell her. I will.

I'll come clean. I'll come clean.

On TV. Tomorrow night.

But I -

ON TV.

You just play it cool. Do something about the town, then straight into your castration bit. You can't lose.

I got something new to try out.

No no, whiteboy. You don't do nothing new, you get me. It is time for tried and true.

It something I got to do.

And now, all the way from Saskatchewan.

Brad! He's on!

Please welcome, newcomer Colin McCleod!

That's our name. They said our last name on TV!

Where's my camera. I want to take a picture of the television.

Thank you. It's great to be here in Montreal. My name is Colin McLeod and I'm from Saskatchewan ... ya hirin'?

So, I'm fairly new to stand up, I've been doing it less than a year, but let me tell you, the initiation they put a young stndup through remind me of a Canadian Airborne hazing ritual. Except...they don't spread poo on you. I mean, you take a young fresh faced kid and drop him in a car with a sex crazed comic who doesn't know the meaning of the word moderation, then you have the two of them drive FOR EVER to perform in places like Taber, Alberta for the cream of corn farmer society in between "Wet T-Shirt Tuesday" and "Monster Mud Truck Thursday" and if your joke isn't about defecation or sex or beer, you are thrown out on your ass...

Yes... the road... the road is long... the long long road...

The road, for us, is a state of being and a moral vacuum. It starts small. You eat a few too many greasy breakfasts. Maybe you go ahead and have that fourth cup of coffee. You stop using you multivitamins and start watching the late nite art house porno films, next on Bravo. Tiny affronts to your health and morality. But after a month of being on the road, you're snorting coke off the tits of a Regina crack whore and eating what you pick out of your beard. But it doesn't matter. Because what happens on the road, stays on the road. Take me for instance. A fine upstanding newlywed straight from the farm, with my first child on the way and a bunch of hick jokes about combine accidents. At the beginning of the road, I'm phoning my wife every night, going to bed early, and working on my act every spare minute I got... By the end of the road I was gettinga blowjob from a local waitress while my wife went into labour on the other end of my cell phone.

Don't laugh. It's a true story. I think after tonight I'm going to find a career that's less dangerous, like land mine detection.

So me and Dad are castrating the sheep-

I'm from Disney and if you just slow down -

Colin, I'm from 20th Century Fox and woah - where's the fire -

Colin I'm from YTV and -

I'm from CBC and I love to buy you a latte sometime, because, Wow, I think you're quite a humourous fella.

Hey man. I thought you were fucking crazy, but you did it, man. Colin. Where the fuck are you going?

I'm going home.

What the fuck you talkin about man, what about tommorrow. Those guys are gonna wanna do lunch.

TAXI! I'm going to Toronto.

Hi.

I'm uh... sorry... about what happened... I just... When I was on the road, I always talked about you to any women I met, so that they would, you know, know I was married, and it always worked...

And then I was talking to this waitress about you and how much I missed you, and I was pretty drunk, and she just... you know... started to... you know... and then the phone rang, and I caught the next plane home and then I met junior in an alley in Montreal, and he told me I had to confess so I did, and then I came here and I started talking to you, but you won't answer me or anything so I guess that means you want me to leave or something...

... yeah... ok, I'll pack my stuff.

Do you Colin James McLeod take this woman, Gayle Louise Moon to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Uh... I do.

Uh... and do you, Gayle Louise Moon take this man, Colin James McLeod to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Yes I do. I want you to understand something, I did not stand there in front of my family and friends and Jesus and the pastor who baptised me and lie.You don't get to quit this. If you want out of this marriage, you'll have to kill one of us.

I don't want out.

Gayle, you are so cool.

Don't touch me.

you'll be mad at me for awhile yet.

Three months minimum.

Fair enough.

Hello?

Colin! You fuckin' nut! My number one client goes apeshit on National Television

Yeah, I know, it was kinda weird.

Well never mind that my boy, I have good news.

Did you get some offers?

You better believe your ass I got offers. Fox, Disney, NBC, and CBS... all offering big bucks. I tell you. LA is great this time of year. And the girls! If you don't get a handjob coming from the airport, I'll kiss my own ass. It is sex drugs and rock and roll out here man! Even you will get more ass than Oprah's pants.

Listen Sid. The thing is -

Oh and you wanna hear something funny? Some asshole from CBC wants you to do a late night talk show.

Take the CBC deal.

What?! You listen to me, kid. It's a suicide gig. Mike Bullard will kill you dead, then piss on the corpse. He's young, urban, hip, and on a specialty channel... CBC is gonna make you look like fukin' Benmurgui.

I sadi take the CBC deal.

Tonight the grand premiere of the Colin MacCleod show. With special guests Margret Atwood, Leonard Cohen, the Rankin Family and Gwar.

Good evening Canada. I'm Colin MacCleod and I'm from Saskatchewan... ya hirin'?

It's the wierdest thing. I look at him in person and he looks like a nice guy. I look in the camera, asshole. Nice guy.

Asshole. I dunno. Maybe its his hair.

So, Margaret Attwood... it's so nice to have one of the original group of seven on the show...

Asshole.

One bourbon. One scotch. One beer.

Things bad in TV land?

The worst thing the CBC has ever foisted on an unsuspecting Canadian public. Yeah Things are bad in TV land.

There's somebody you should talk to.

Ralph. Come over here will you. Meet Colin McCleod. Colin, meet Ralph Benmurgi.

I saw you on TV.

Sorry about that.

I know what you're going through. My interview with Leonard Cohen was even worse than yours. It damn near killed me. I stayed up nights worrying about it. I chewed my nails and drank too much. I watched twenty hours of David Letterman, trying to figure what he had and I didn't. And then I thought -Fuck it.

Fuck it?

So I'm not a household name. I paid off my house. Goy money in the bank. So my TV show sucked. So you TV show sucks. Most TV shows suck. Look over there. It's Three Dead Trolls in a baggie. How was your TV show guys?

SUCKED! hut hut hut.

There you go. You got a family?

Yeah.

Take care of them. TV can go fuck itself.

Thanks Ralph.

Colin?

Yeah?

Everybody left. I'm sorry about your ratings.

I guess I'm not gonna be a star after all.

Are you disappointed?

Not as much as I thought I'd be. You?

You're still my little star.

God damn it son. I'm proud of you!

What are you talking about?

"Colin McCleod is a breath of prairie-fresh air on the stuffy CBC. The Colin McCleod show is a piece of excellent broadcasting, which probably spells its early demise"

What paper is that?

Only the Saskatchewan Star Phoenix. We been getting calls here at the house. They want you for commercials at the car

dealership. And Round-up called too. Something about being a spokesman.

What's going on?

I'm very big in Saskatchewan.

People often ask me, funny man Colin McLeod, what fertilizer is best for my kenola crop this season, and I always tell them one thing... I don't know, I became a comedian to get the hell out of the kenola field... but the guys at "Round-up" paid me lots of money to tell you to use "Round-up". That's "Round-up"! Now only $179 a drum...

Cut! Next!

Ever since the white man kicked the Indians off the plains of saskatchewan, John Deer has been there, making tractors... because, here at John Deer... we're just glad to help.

Cut, perfect! Colin, we're not quite ready for the Beer Beer commercial...

That's ok, I have to go do an Auction about 15 minutes from here, and I need to be home for dinner at 6, so let's do it tomorrow.

You're the boss. Ok everybody, that's a rap until 6 am tomorrow...

Who's the big guy? Who's the big guy? It's a good thing we weren't milking the cows. Yes, it was -

Colin. Dinner's ready!

Oh Dinner's ready. Let's go in. Maybe Uncle Fool's TV show is on. Maybe. Maybe. Rarrr rarr.