This scene is funny on paper, but not funny onstage. Maybe that's because it's (apparently) so hard to memorize. Anyway, enjoy!
Lights up on a Sears portrait studio. A GUY is looking at some proofs and arguing with the shopkeeper.
GUY
But, look, I'm telling you, these aren't my pictures.
SHOPKEEPER
These are the pictures. Is not a problem.
GUY
Look, I came to Sears, I wanted to get a portrait done. Remember? I came in last week. You took the pictures.
SHOPKEEPER
Yes. These are the pictures.
GUY
But this isn't me! This isn't my family!
SHOPKEEPER
Is your family, yes! Is not a problem! Everything is fine! We are all happy!
GUY
Look! Look at these pictures! This is not me! This is not my family!
SHOPKEEPER
This is you, yes! This is very good picture! Everyone is happy!
GUY
This is not my family! This is a picture of a guy in a gorilla suit, a witch doctor, and a matador.
SHOPKEEPER
Yes. Matador. Very handsome. Very handsome family. Everyone is happy. We are closed.
GUY
No, wait! Look: I want my money back.
SHOPKEEPER
Ah, sorry, no.
GUY
This is a rip off! I want to talk to your manager!
SHOPKEEPER
We have no manager! No one is managing! There is no problem here! Everyone is happy! We are fine! Good pictures for everyone!
GUY
Look, my wife's waiting out in the car. We drove all the way out here to get these pictures...
SHOPKEEPER
Nice pictures! Everything is fine!
GUY
Why don't you go in the back and check again? There must be a mistake.
SHOPKEEPER
No! No mistake! Everything is fine.
GUY
Check again! We're the Smith family.
SHOPKEEPER
(pointing at picture)
Smith family. Smith Gorilla. Smith Matador. Smith Witchdoctor. Everybody is happy. Very handsome family. Very handsome! Everything is OK!
GUY
(exasperated)
Ah!
A WITCHDOCTOR enters.
WITCHDOCTOR
(to GUY)
What's the matter, honey? Is something wrong?
GUY
Ah, they screwed up the...
(turns and sees WITCHDOCTOR; is startled)
Ah!
WITCHDOCTOR
Are you OK?
SHOPKEEPER
Everybody is OK! Everything is fine! Is no problem here! Thank you!
GUY
Who are you?
WITCHDOCTOR
Are you feeling OK? Come on, the kids are waiting in the car.
(looking at the picture)
Aw! It turned out OK!
(to shopkeeper)
It's a beautiful job.
SHOPKEEPER
Everything is beautiful! Everybody is happy! Peace and prosperity are the norm across the land!
WITCHDOCTOR
Oh, I'm so glad we went with the nice frame.
GUY
I don't know you.
WITCHDOCTOR
You don't think it looks like me?
GUY
What is this? Some kind of a joke? Stay away from me!
SHOPKEEPER
Everything is fine! Everybody is staying away from everybody else! There is no problem here! We are closed. Thank you!
WITCHDOCTOR
Darling? Are you alright? What's the matter, honey?
GUY
Don't come near me!
WITCHDOCTOR
But I love you! I love you!
The WITCHDOCTOR keeps trying to touch the GUY. He backs up, terrified.
SHOPKEEPER
Witchdoctor loves you! Happy family! Happy Witchdoctor Smith! Everything is fine!
Suddenly a MATADOR and a guy in a GORILLA SUIT enter. They run up and hug GUY.
MATADOR AND GORILLA SUIT
Daddy! Daddy! We love you! We love you!
THE GUY screams and collapses. His family crowds around him, holding up his limp body.