We wanted to do a sketch about Donovan's dreams, but we just couldn't get it to work.
Here, though, for you to enjoy, are some of Donovan's actual dreams, exactly as he typed them out when he woke up.
(Note: Donovan can't really type, and he wrote these right after he woke up. We haven't corrected anything because it's too much work for a lousy web page that probaby no one's going to look at.)
ONE MORNING I WENT TO VISIT MY COUSIN SHAWNA AT A SMALL UNIVERSITY. I WENT IN THE FRONT DOOR, OF WHAT LOOKED LIKE A SUN BEATEN OLD HIGH SCHOOL.IMMEDIATELY I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG, THE LADY SITTING BEHIND THE GREEN RECEPTIONS DESK LOOKED AS THOUGH SHE KNEW SOMETHING I DIDN'T.
THATS WHEN I REALISED IT WAS A TRAP. PLAYING IT COOL I ASKED HER WHERE I COULD LOCATE MY COUSIN. "THROUGH THOSE DOUBLE DOORS,AND DOWN THE HALL"
I DECIDED TO GO AROUND THE OUTSIDE OF THE BUILDING AND ENTER FROM THE OTHER END OF THE LONG HALLWAY ID JUST BEEN DIRECTED TO. CROSSING ALONG A BRICK WALL OVER SOME VERY BRIGHT CHILDHOOD SUMMER GRASS I ENTERED THE SCHOOL ONCE AGAIN.
THE ENTRANCE WAS ALSO A TRAP, I KNEW THAT BUT I FEARED FOR MY COUSIN WHAT I ENTERED NEXT CAN ONLY BE DESCRIBED AS A LARGE BLACK ROOM (THE THEATRE BESIDE AT VIC COMP.) HARD WOOD FLOORS PAINTED BLACK.
THEIR IN FRONT OF ME WERE THREE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN THE ONLY ONE WHO STANDS OUT IS THE SEVEN FOOT BLONDE IN THE SILVER ONE PIECE BATHING SUIT.
I TOOK A KARATE STANCE, THEY DID THE SAME . WE FOUGHT, AS MY PUNCHES LANDED HARD ON THERE BODIES I APOLOGISED PUNCH,SORRY, PUNCH, SORRY. AFTER I DEFEATED THEM I APPROACHED THE TALL ONE AGAIN APOLOGISING ,AND ASKING HER OUT FOR DINNER, BEFORE SHE COULD REPLY A VOICE CALLED OUT "YOU HAVE DEFEATED THESE WOMEN BUT CAN YOU BEAT THE THREE RAZORS" AT THAT INSTANT THREE HUGE MEN APPEARED (SHADES OF BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA) "SO YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH" THE VOICE CAME AGAIN "BUT ARE YOU STRONGER THAN BRUCE LEE" THE THREE RAZORS STEPPED ASIDE AND BEHIND THEM WAS THE KNEELING BLEEDING BODY OF YES BRUCE LEE "DONOVAN HELP ME" BRUCE CRIED AS THE BLOOD DRIPPED FROM HIS SEVERELY LACERATED HANDS."BRUCE NOO...."
I SCREAMED AS I ATTACKED WE FOUGHT HARD AT TIMES IT SEEMED AS THOUGH WE WE'RE FLOATING IN MID AIR OUR KICKS COMING SO FAST THAT OUR FEET NEVER TOUCHED THE GROUND,DEFEATING THE THREE RAZORS WAS DIFFICULT AND MY BREATHING WAS IN GULPS,BUT WHEN IT WAS DONE BRUCE LEE AND I EMBRACED, AND HE THANKED ME FOR SAVING HIS LIFE. STRANGELY ENOUGH I NEVER DID FIND MY COUSIN I MUST HAVE WOKEN UP.
WHILE VISITING TORI SPELLING IN HER HUGE L.A. HOME I WENT INTO THE BASEMENT WHERE I FOUND MYSELF IN A LARGE DUNGEON, IN THE CORNER WAS A CAGE OR A PRISON CELL. INSIDE THE CELL WAS INSANE TORI SPELLING,SHE WAS RANTING AND PULLING AT THE BARS, SLOWLY LOOSENING THEM. THE CAGE DOOR SWUNG OPEN AND SHE CHARGED ME, I DODGED, AND RAN FOR THE STAIRS LEADING TO THE MAIN FLOOR. I HOPED STACY HAD ARRIVED TO GET ME THE HELL OUT OF THEIR , IN HIS NEW CAR. AS I SWUNG OPEN THE FRONT DOOR THEIR WAS STACY IN HIS NEW WHITE ROLLS-ROYCE (LIKE JOHN LENNONS). I JUMPED IN THE BACK SEAT, AND QUICKLY CLOSED THE DOOR, JUST AS TORI HIT THE WINDOW.
SHE CLAWED THE CAR, JUMPING ON THE ROOF, TAKING A FOOT HOLD AS WE SWERVED THROUGH TRAFFIC, TRYING TO THROW HER OFF. ONE LAST ROCK OF THE WHEEL, AND THE YOUNG SPELLING WAS OFF, ROLLING DOWN THE FREEWAY.
WE DROVE NOW IN PEACE. STACY TOLD ME THE DEAL HE GOT ON THIS CAR ONLY 99 000 ALOT CHEAPER THAN HIS MERCEDES, HE ONLY OWED HIS MOM 8000 TILL HE WAS DEBT FREE.
LATER I RECOUNTED THE TORI HORROR TO CAMERON, AND HIS FAMILY.ERNIE ,CAMS DAD, WAS CURIOUS ABOUT AN OLD XEROX I HAD SEEN AT THE HOUSE "YES" I SAID "IT WAS ONE OF THOSE 1950'S NATURAL GAS DRYING MACHINES." ERNIE WAS SO EXCITED THAT HE INSISTED THAT I TAKE HIM THEIR. WHEN WE ARRIVED I WAS SCARED, SCARED OF NUTTY TORI, BUT ERNIE RACED THROUGH TO FIND HIS PRECISE COPIER. AS WE CAME IN I HAD NOTICED A COMMOTION IN THE BACK YARD, WOW AN OUTDOOR CONCERT (TORI REALLY DID HAVE EVERYTHING) I SAT DOWN ON THE GRASS IN THE YARD WAITING FOR SOME BAND WHEN I REALISED TORI WAS SITTING RIGHT ACROSS FROM ME. TRYING NOT TO SHOW FEAR I STRUCK UP A CONVERSATION WITH THE GUY NEXT TO ME. HIS NAME WAS BRUCE GEE HE WAS ONE OF THE BEE-GEES WOW BRUCE GEE, THE BEE-GEES HAHA. TORI SPOTTED ME, AND I SPOTTED THE EXACTO KNIFE IN HER HAND. SHE'S GONNA STAB ME I THUOGHT, BUT NO SHE JUST WANTED A HUG, O.K. I LEANED OVER SHE LEANED INTO ME, AND THRUST THE KNIFE INTO MY RIBS.
I SCREAMED"CALL AN AMBULANCE" OVER, AND OVER. EVENTUALLY SOMEONE CALLED AND AN AMBULANCE ARRIVED. THE DOCTOR REMOVED MY SHIRT ONLY TO FIND A SCAR FROM AN OLD KNIFE WOUND IN THE SPOT TORI STRUCK ME. "NO WOUND BETTER CHECK YOUR BALLS!" THEN THE DOCTOR STARTED PULLING MY UNDERWEAR IN ALL DIRECTIONS AND PUSHING REAL HARD WITH HIS THUMB ON MY NADS "YOUR O.K. SEE YA LATER. HE SAID I AWOKE.
I WAS LIVING IN A DINGY APARTMENT BUILDING THE HALLWAY CARPETS WHERE ORANGE, AND THE WALLS WHERE CREAM. INSIDE THE APARTMENT THE ONLY DETAIL I REMEMBER WAS THAT THE FLOOR IN THE KITCHEN, THE LINO, WAS CREAMY LIGHT GREEN WITH GOLD STAR BURSTS.
I REMEMBER STANDING IN THE LANDING JUST INSIDE THE APARTMENT DOOR WHEN THE FIRE ALARM WENT OFF I OPENED THE DOOR AND SAW A SMALL BLACK, AND WHITE CAT. THE CAT WAS MEOWING OVER, AND, OVER WHEN THE FIRE ALARM QUITE. THIS IS THE POINT I REALISED THAT I COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT THE CAT WAS SAYING,NOT" MEOW, MEOW", BUT" WHEN, WHEN." LOOKING DOWN AT THE CAT REALITY CHANGED NO LONGER DID I WANT TO LEAVE THE BUILDING BECAUSE OF THE FIRE, BUT INSTEAD I SAT IN THE HALLWAY KNOWING MY GIRLFRIEND WAS IN THE APARTMENT WITH ANOTHER MAN. SO I SAT LISTENING TO THE CAT" WHEN, WHEN, WHEN, WHEN" AT FIRST I WAS AMAZED THAT I COULD UNDERSTAND WHAT THE CAT WAS SAYING, BUT THE SAME WORD OVER, AND OVER. I BECAME ANGRY NOT BECAUSE IT WAS ALWAYS THE SAME WORD "WHEN" BUT "WHEN WHAT I DON'T KNOW THE QUESTION" .I AWOKE.
I WAS DOING AN ATOMIC IMPROV SHOW, IN A CLASSROOM WITH A BUNCH OF BLACK COLLEGE STUDENTS. I OF COURSE WAS NAKED .WE WERE DOING A PUPPET MANIPULATION, SO WE STARTED THE SCENE, AND TO MAKE IT MORE FUN I STARTED TO RAP "MY NAME IS PIMENTO, IM FROM SACRAMENTO" I THEN WOKE UP.
ANOTHER DREAM THAT STARTS AT MY OLD HOUSE. LOOKING OUT THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM WINDOW I SEE A LARGE TANK COMING AROUND THE CORNER, FRIGHTENED I GRABBED THE NEAREST THING A BAZOOKA. I FIRED AND FIRED BUT KEPT MISSING SO I WENT DOWN STAIRS OPENED THE FRONT DOOR, AND WAITED ON OUR FRONT LANDING WHICH HAD BEEN TURNED INTO A DRIVING RANGE, THE TANK PULLED UP TO WITHIN FEET OF ME, AND A BUNCH OF MEN GOT OUT, I PROCEEDED TO BEAT ONE MAN TO DEATH WITH A DRIVER BEFORE ESCAPING TO A SMALL CAR, WHICH SPED ME AWAY. AS I TURNED THE SECOND CORNER I REALISED NO I NOW KNEW I WAS IN FRANCE IT LOOKED LIKE MY OLD PAPER ROUTE BUT IT WAS FRANCE. THE ONLY PLACE TO HIDE FROM THE EVER GAINING TANK WAS IN A CHURCH.
I WALKED DOWN THE ISLE AND SAT IN THE FIRST ROW OF PEWS SITTING VERY CLOSE TO A YOUNG BLUE EYED NUN, I RESTED MY HEAD DOWN ON HER LAP, AND LOOKED AT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL FACE I HAD EVER SEEN. A FELLING OF CALM CAME OVER ME A PEACE I HAVE NEVER FELT OTHER THAN WHEN THINKING ABOUT THIS DREAM, AND AS I WRITE THIS,THE SAME FEELING FILLS ME. I ROSE A STOOD IN THE ISLE, I PUT MY ARMS UP AND OUT TO THE SIDES, AND CONCENTRATED.IT TOOK ALL MY MUSCLE CONTROL AND ALL MY INNER STRENGTH TO WILL MYSELF TO LEVITATE, ONLY IN SHORT BURSTS AT FIRST. IT WAS SO HARD AND MY CONCENTRATION WAS BROKEN OFTEN, BUT MY THIRD OR FOURTH ATTEMPT WAS SUCCESSFUL ENOUGH FOR ME TO GLIDE ACROSS THE CHURCH ISLE AND OUT THE DOOR. THE ALARM WENT OFF.
I WAS LIVING IN MY OLD HOUSE, ME DONOVAN WORKUN A GROWN MAN, BUT NOT JUST DONOVAN WORKUN, BUT ALSO BATMAN. MY NORMAL PERSONA WAS NOT BRUCE WAYNE BUT DONOVAN, DONOVAN BY DAY, BATMAN BY NIGHT. ONE MORNING I WAS WALKING DOWN THE NEIGHBOURHOOD STREET I CAME TO THE REALISATION THAT ALLEN FUNT THE REAL SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN WAS GETTING MARRIED TO A WOMAN WHO WANTED TO SEPARATE THE EMOTIONS FROM THE MACHINE AND USE ALLENS SUPER STRENGTH TO RULE THE WORLD. THIS HAD TO BE STOPPED, THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD HELP ME WAS THE GREEN HORNET,WITH HIS SUPER COMPUTER WE COULD TRACK DOWN BIONIC ALLEN. BUT HOW TO GET THE REEDS HOUSE HE WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BLOCK WAY TO FAR FOR ME I COULDN'T FLY, THATS WHEN I SAW SUPERMAN FLYING OVER, I'LL TRICK SUPERMAN INTO GETTING ME THEIR."HEY SUPERMAN YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE" WITH THAT HE TURNED HEADED STRAIGHT FOR ME AND PUNCHED REALLY HARD, I FLEW HUNDREDS OF FEET " A COUPLE MORE INSULTS AND I'D BE THEIR".
I WALKED QUICKLY TO THE DOOR AND RANG THE BELL. THE DOOR WAS ANSWERED BY KATO (BRUCE LEE) "REID RICHARDS RESIDENCE" "HEY KATO IS THE GREEN HORNET AROUND" I SAID "NO THIS IS REID RICHARDS RESIDENCE" ANNOYED I BEGAN AGAIN" LISTEN I KNOW REID RICHARDS IS THE GREEN HORNET KATO ITS ME BATMAN" (LIKE HE COULDN'T TELL BY THE RUBBER SUIT)
"OH SURE COME ON IN" I EXPLAINED THE WHOLE STORY TO GREENY AND KATO. THE GREEN HORNET THEN PULLED OUT A MAP OF AUSTRALIA LITTERED WITH SMALL GREEN APPLES "THESE APPLES REPRESENT DISTURBANCES THAT HAVE BEEN REPORTED LATELY "THAT MUST BE ALLEN" THE GREEN HORNET THEN TOLD MY TO TAKE HIS KNEW CAR WHICH WAS PARKED OUT FRONT. AS I PASSED TROUGH HIS FRONT DOOR REALITY CHANGED TO THAT OF THUNDERBIRDS(THE ENGLISH PUPPET SHOW ) HIS CAR WAS SLEEK, LONG PLASTIC SEE THREW (LIKE THE NEW BAT MOBILE) AND GETTING INTO THE CAR WAS PUPPET SHAUN CONNERY "HEY YOU BASTARD YOUR STEALING MY RIDE" WITH THAT THE CAR WAS GONE ,ROCKETED INTO THE AIR PASSING OVER MY OLD NEIGHBOURHOOD. I AWOKE.